isurvived

In my heart of hearts, I love my son. Rather I should say I love the little child I gave birth to, and the little boy I raised. He was a wonderful little boy. Happy, smart, loving. Then at about 14, he seemed to transform into someone else. It was the wrong crowd influencing him, an alcoholic father at home that was always angry and critical. He began using drugs, truant from school, and then being gone for weeks at a time. I had no control over him. I sought help from counselors, his doctor, our clergy. Meanwhile, his father and I separated... due to the drinking and total lack of his ability to be a partner or a parent. My son never did turn around, and has hated me for being so firm with him - hated any help I had to offer.

Fast forward 10 years - we reconnected a few years back. Things seemed to be better between us. He was maturing and I thought he was going to make it.
I was wrong. In the last 2 years his life has begun to again spin out of control. He's an alcoholic like his father. He's had several OWIs. Problems with the law, disorderly conduct charges, rebellion all over again. He's never pursued further education - although he was bright in school. He's instead found an easy way to make money. Dealing. And using. He does weed. And I don't know what else. He is scary. He has a handgun, and brags about it.

He has turned out to be everything a parent would NOT want their child to grow up to be. Vile, no morals, no work ethic, no respect for anyone himself included. His language is filthy.

I am ashamed of him. I can't tolerate being in his company, every other word is the "f" word. He's angry with everyone. It's always someone else's fault when things don't go his way.

We had a few unpleasant encounters this summer. I expressed my dismay about his life direction, and encouraged him to get some help. I didn't lecture, just point blank said "you need to get some help, you are ruining your future." Then I let it go at that.

He came to my home a few times this summer. Intoxicated. Wanting to ride on the 4-wheeler, he was too drunk to stand, let alone operate a machine. I told him NO, took the keys. He called the police and wanted to charge me with withholding his property. Instead he got arrested for disorderly conduct.
Of course, it is ALL my fault he says. (I know I did the right thing).

This weekend was his birthday. I'd sent him a card earlier in the week. Just a mother to son card, with a simple "I hope you have a great birthday". Last night I had a message on my phone that said "Thanks for the "f"ing birthday or Christmas card... or whatever the "F" it was." Today he called and left another angry message "Thanks for calling me on my "F"ing birthday." (I hadn't called).

I've pretty much decided I don't want to be involved in his life, and I don't want him in mine - under the current circumstances. I just can't bear it. It's very sad, but I am so ashamed of him - and I don't like who he is as a person. My son or not. I don't like him. Honestly, I don't think I even love him. Just love the memory of who he was as a child.

It's a tough realization. A tough stand to take. But having him in my life is poisonous. This decision was difficult to make, and painful. But I know it is right. I grieve about it, but I am not going to let him ruin my peace. I took a stand with his father, we are now divorced. I'm very happy with that decision as well.

Aside from not answering his calls, I don't know what to say to him that I haven't already said. I've preached to the choir God knows! He's not listening.

A side point, I know much of his behavior is due to the effect his father had on our family. And, much of it is due to his own choices now as an adult. He is a prime example of the far reaching effects of addiction, and how it impacts the family. This is permanent damage. That is the saddest realization for me.