Originally Posted by
cynical one 
I see you, always wanting something that I am not capable of giving.
I see you, the look in your eyes, you think it doesn’t show, but it does…it always has, that look of disappointment, that look that makes me feel not good enough, or less than.
I see you, always so critical of me, nothing I do is never good enough, or fast enough, or your way.
I see you, never a word of praise or even support, either harping about something, or even worse the unspoken words that just sit on your lips…but never are released.
I see you, not knowing how to just relax, always cleaning, always picking up, things needing to be perfectly clean at all times.
I see you, expecting, demanding, and wanting or needing to control not just all situations but all people.
I see you sad, angry, and most of all just disappointed. Sometimes I think you keep me around just to help pay the bills.
I see you, frustrated, allowing life to pass you by, maybe I’ll catch up someday, but don’t stop living because I’m stuck.
I see you as an enemy, who attempts to control my life, as opposed to just accepting me for who I am…including all my faults.
I see you, the self-righteous one, who only ever sees her side of things, and doesn’t understand that I need to tell lies to protect my addiction.
I see you, who will never understand that I use drugs because of a void within me, a hole in my soul. I don’t use drugs AT you, I don’t use them because of you, in fact- it’s not personal at all.
I see you, trying to treat me as if I weren’t capable of being an adult man, I never do things to meet your high perfectionism, so why try?
I see you, ripping away at my self-esteem in a futile attempt to control me and make me into someone who you thought I was…or who you want me to be…I’m just me.
Love,
Your Addict Boyfriend
And honestly.... how would I respond to that? If he were capable of writing such a well composed letter? Like this:
Dear addict boyfriend,
I'm glad that what you are finally putting in ink, what I already knew. That you want me to just 'accept' your addiction. While I'm busy keeping MY home in order, that you mess up... by leaving your clothes on the floor, etc., You can continue 'living' your life- after all you are a grown man. (problem is one of us has to attend to the 'normal' household responsiblities.... yea, I'm a bit resentful at this point.
Perhaps you think i'm keeping you around to pay the bills. Well, in actuality, if you paid just your 1/2 of the mortgage, maid service, and basic utilities here, then your in the hole every month.
It's Ironic you see.... you told me how much more you were capable of, and that you were 'sorry' for not giving me what I deserve. I'm sorry that I DID believe YOUR words, and when you failed to produce what YOU said you would, I now have 'dissapointment' in my eyes.
I wish you understood my needs, the way you demand that I get yours. See, when I see my life passing by, and start living it, you get angry. Many times, when I've tried to live my life independantly, you become irrate. More often then not, you do not want me to go sing, or go to a literaray reading.... you'd rather keep me home with you. SO which is it honey? Can I live my life the way I wish? Or are only YOU afforded such basic luxuries in life?
Certain things about our relationship have changed darling, and I know you recognize this. You say you want me to treat you like an 'adult' man. Well sweetie, then perhaps you could act like one.... start with ironing your OWN pants. When you have to get up in the morning, set YOUR OWN alarm. If you want breakfast/coffee.... etc., I think GROWN MEN can certaintly make their own, right? Or do you only want 'adult men's' privilidges rather than responsiblities? Furthermore, stop asking ME to take care of YOU, then shove it up my *** when you feel it's convienent.
Honey, I want you to know I'm sorry if you believe I was trying to control you. I was only looking for what YOU promised to give me. Where I come from, we do what we say/ say in what we do. I guess the same dosen't hold true for you. In the future it's real easy....... YOU have choices here too, you can leave. Again, where I come from, a relationship is a two way street. I believe that you are one way. If you think for one minute, that my relationship w/ you will mean that I have to tolerate and settle for your crumbs... then you have truely lost your mind.
Finally, I did try sweetie... I really did. I spent a year on SR, talking to others about how to deal with a loved one addicted to drugs. I'm seeing a therapist, who is a recovered addict, you know this-- two years of therapy. I have (upon your request) helped you with holistic detox, praised your successes, driven you to your darn meetings, only to find you go back and make the same mistakes all over again. I'm getting my masters degree in Psychology, hon... I'm not a stupid girl, but perhaps I've been acting like one. I'm sorry for not seeing the light sooner. I gave you all I had, and you keep asking for more. The well is dry, I'm tapped out.
If this is what it has come to, I guess you are searching in the wrong place for MORE forgivement, acceptance, and tolerance. I'm just not 'into it' or you anylonger.
Love always,
Your Girl