Hi Sara.
I remember you well from when you posted here before.
I suggest that you go to an AA/NA meeting. That is where I'm off in an hour.
I am still sober from when you posted from before and I am guessing that you probably aren't. Maybe you are finally realising that drink/drugs just ain't working anymore other than making things go to Sh*t. I am a few years older than you are and to be fair it has taken me untill 23 to really finally see that prison, institutions, death were the only 3 options with my drinking and drug use. I finally beat myself down so low as I just knew that I couldn't carry on with that crap anymore. I knew to win that i had to surrender. I stay away from that first drink on a daily basis and have over 5 months sober now. I would not have been able to maintain this without regularly meetings at AA and some of the people in AA however. It just keeps you grounded.
I am so gratefull that I am still sober and I am actually not dreading xmas/new year this year rather I am fairly peacefull/chilled out about it as I now don't have to worry about all the madness and insanity that my drinking would bring me.
Going to AA meetings gives me something to do with my evenings and I actually enjoy them TBH. I feel just as comfortable there and with the people there that I used to when drinking/drugging in bars/flats. So much more rewarding in the long-term though this sobriety lark though!! haha.
Good to see you back and there must be some part of you that realises that the path that your'e going down with drink/drugs is gonna end up destroying/killing everything in your life.
I wish you all the best and I urge you to just try to keep an open mind. Remember how open your mind felt on Acid trips ( I remember you done acid right?) well i try to apply what I learned on some of my trips to recovery.
peace xxx