divorce confusion
This is my first post...but I'm hoping someone can help me clear my head. My husband of 6 years is addicted to crack. He was a police officer, and I am an emergency room RN. He lost his police job, we lost our home, had to file bankruptcy, I ended up with a mysterious STD, and we have basically lost everything in the last 2 years that he has begun actively using again. We have one child together, and one adopted child (they are 3 and 7 respectively), however I have also raised his three older children since he was a single parent when i met him and they have no contact with their bio mom.
We have been separated now for 4 months. This is the umpteenth time we have been separated due to his lying, cheating, and using. Last month, I found an attorney and filed for divorce, as well as legal guardianship of the three older children. He is currently living in the car I let him have...and says he is going to outpatient rehab. However he continues to disappear for periods of time and acts the same as when I know he has been using in the past.
We met together with my attorney yesterday to try to settle the issues in the divorce and get it finished. We didnt get far. By the time it was over, my attorney was offering to help him get a job at the fire dept, and was advising me to agree to non supervised visitation and joint legal custody. Previously, he had "strongly recommended" I pursue only sole custody and only supervised visitation. My husband protested the statements in the petition for divorce claiming that i was pursuing divorce due to his substance abuse and use in front of the children. As well as my concerns for their safety. My attorney told him we could 'get this all done without mentioning those things'. I left after the meeting feeling like I was continuing to lie and cover for him...like i couldn't be honest...even in my own divorce...and like i was once again allowing his "all about him" mentality to cloud my better judgement. My husband can be a very charming person when he is not using...and the attorney really fell for it. I felt like a bad a** b**** that was trying to screw him...even though I don't feel like I want any revenge...only want myself and my kids to be safe.
Can someone help me sort this out? What is wrong with me? I even feel confused about going through with the divorce now...like maybe i'm the one that has the problem...maybe i should just back off and give him ANOTHER chance like he is asking for? What is it about this guy that makes me doubt myself so much? What is it about this guy that makes me want to stay with him despite all the pain and heartache we have been through?
I feel like I'm going crazy...and no one understands...