CHINO, no i'm not worried that i'll give in, i've actually tried to think/imagine "what if"" but i just can't see myself going that way again. i do still have esteem issues since being with him but i believe i've gotten better since he's been away from me. i think maybe i am kind of passive until i find myself backed in a corner then i'm coming out.
CESSY, i could better understand it if i felt as if i was wrong all these yrs, i tried to be there for him. i purposely did all i could do to make sure i kept my side of the street clean because i felt partly wrong when my 1st marriage ended. yeah, i argued about him not coming home for days, him lying, cheating, stealing, using drugs and being abusive, what wife wouldn't. i eventually learned not to argue so much but that still didn't stop his abuse of me or drugs. i guess in the past, i haven't felt strong enough to do what i knew was best for me.
i never prayed that he'd find someone else because my gut feeling told me that he was doing that anyway, every time he moved out (sometimes for yrs). i think he's one of those addicts that think drugs and sex go together.
for yrs, i worried and kept trying to work things out with him whenever he came back around. you know, "for better or worse". i honestly thought that was what god would want me to do. i finally feel free from that thinking and know that god had nothing to do with that, if anything, he was sadden that i would allow myself to be treated that way at all. 2yrs ago, i accepted the fact that he was gone and probably with someone else and began to work through that pain.
ANN and KITTY, after i think about it, i told him just before he went to jail that i was done going through all of that, that me and the kids were ok now. either he forgot, was not listening or just thinking i've said that before and is not paying me any attention.
OUTTOLUNCH and CMC, i guess i must be at the beginning of learning how to master my emotions because for me, acting on them is not an option. this really caught my eye. the feeling guilty of possibly causing him pain is what i just don't understand. whenever he left, he would just go away, like he forgot about we ever existed so why can't he just go away now. i guess i feel guilty too because i don't feel the way i use to feel. what kind of sense does that make?