Originally Posted by
KeepPedaling 
I do not agree that you should not expect affection or a certain amount of energy from the person you are partnered with. Of course you're right, you should never expect your partner to make your life happy or fix issues that you have from the past, but there are the basics to a loving, healthy relationship. One of those basics is affection. He gets it from me, so yes, I expect it back from him.
"Especially when you say the long list you've made about what you've done for him and he's not returning it. Is it a competition?" No, not a competition. The list isn't purely financial, it's emotional energy. I never expect anything financial from him. I accepted the fact that I would have to pay for everything while he was going through school, but that's not the kind of thing I want back from him. I'm not going to be the only one in the relationship actively trying to resolve all of our issues or putting energy into keeping the relationship healthy and vibrant. He's been a taker, and openly admits that. He comes up here, talks about his life, eats my food, cuts me off if I talk about my life, consistently asks me to help him with his life. He's actually said, "You're just going to have to help me for awhile." It's my own fault for letting it get so lopsided and letting it happen for so long (codie me, right).
And yes, I also need validation from him, of course. That is also something that's very important in a healthy relationship. When I calmly tell him that I'm hurt, I need him to be kind and say something like, "I can see how you would feel that way." Not what I usually get from him, which is a lot of anger and him going to great length to tell me that how I feel is wrong and ridiculous. I would be worried if he didn't expect validation and affection from me.
I think it's unhealthy to expect nothing from your partner. I think from your partner and your friends, you should expect affection, interest, validation, understanding, and truth. That's the good stuff that life is made of.
He did drink last night by the way. He called me over and over.
It's not always easy to find a balance between healthy and unhealthy expectation, is all. I know I expect a partner not to beat or verbally abuse me, and that I expect respect and love, as per my vows.
The reality is we codies tend to mix up basic human expectations (except for the love, I kind of expect the above things from any human being) with our expectations for how our relationship must be and how that partner must conform to those expectations, even if it's not in their nature. For example, the way your bf seems to express his thoughtfulness to you is to send you a brief but nice email. Despite the other things he does, that is a gesture on his part. Your list and your response of 'that's it' seems to wander to the codie territory of you wanting something more from him that he hasn't given. I am/was the same. My H is not the most affectionate guy. Instead of 'seeing' his affection in the things that he did do, I chose to be angry about the things that he didn't do, that I wanted. I wanted flowers, he did the dishes. I wanted a romantic getaway, he rented a video and my fave chocolate bar. This was his expression of love. Totally different than mine. I held it against him every chance I got - not out of hate but out of truly just wanting to be loved in the way I felt I needed. So then I have 2 choices and neither involve him changing in any way. I can either accept who he is and the way he expresses himself, or I can leave and try to find what I want in someone else. But the truth is, because I still engage in unhealthy behaviours, it's likely I'd move to a new relationship and become miserable too in what I wouldn't get.
In your example on validation, you said you'd need him to say something like "I can see how you feel that way". This is the grey area. He is not you, he likely won't respond as you'd wish. And because of who he is, drinking and all, it's even more unlikely.