"I've been told before that for a healthy relationship to develop, that each person needs to individually be at 100%, meaning, you have taken the time to develop yourself into the person you want to be, and you work to fulfill your own needs and feel whole. Then when you join a relationship, then what you get is more than 100%. Meaning the extra that you get from the other person is gravy."
I love this. It makes perfect sense to me. I've spent a long time being single because I wanted to have some peace to work on me. By the time my boyfriend showed up, I was so happy in life and thought if I never met anyone, I'd be fine. I'm busy, things to do, great hobbies, great friends, etc. But then he did show up. And I was even happier to share my life with someone.
I do not agree that you should not expect affection or a certain amount of energy from the person you are partnered with. Of course you're right, you should never expect your partner to make your life happy or fix issues that you have from the past, but there are the basics to a loving, healthy relationship. One of those basics is affection. He gets it from me, so yes, I expect it back from him.
"Especially when you say the long list you've made about what you've done for him and he's not returning it. Is it a competition?" No, not a competition. The list isn't purely financial, it's emotional energy. I never expect anything financial from him. I accepted the fact that I would have to pay for everything while he was going through school, but that's not the kind of thing I want back from him. I'm not going to be the only one in the relationship actively trying to resolve all of our issues or putting energy into keeping the relationship healthy and vibrant. He's been a taker, and openly admits that. He comes up here, talks about his life, eats my food, cuts me off if I talk about my life, consistently asks me to help him with his life. He's actually said, "You're just going to have to help me for awhile." It's my own fault for letting it get so lopsided and letting it happen for so long (codie me, right).
It's true, I do give him things because I love him and want him to be ok. I think that's a very natural thing for a women. If I left him and he wasn't drinking, I would continue to provide financial support when he needed it and never need to talk to him at all. But it's not healthy for me to be in a romantic relationship with someone who doesn't put any energy into the relationship.
And yes, I also need validation from him, of course. That is also something that's very important in a healthy relationship. When I calmly tell him that I'm hurt, I need him to be kind and say something like, "I can see how you would feel that way." Not what I usually get from him, which is a lot of anger and him going to great length to tell me that how I feel is wrong and ridiculous. I would be worried if he didn't expect validation and affection from me.
I think it's unhealthy to expect nothing from your partner. I think from your partner and your friends, you should expect affection, interest, validation, understanding, and truth. That's the good stuff that life is made of.
He did drink last night by the way. He called me over and over.