Keep Pedeling, i'm sorry you're feeling this way....
"I know that if I would just BE there for him and not ask anything of him, he'd be ok."
That's not true. And you're not a doormat, and you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because someone else can't control THEIR behavior.
I'm sorry if that comes off harsh. I don't mean to.
This reminded me of one of the convos I had with my XA before I went no contact, and he had just done something completely hurtful, completely disrespectful to me......
I should have HUNG UP ON HIM and NEVER EVER spoken to him again. But noooooo, I was so worried about what he would do.... I mean he's in so much pain, how could I just not accept his actions??? What if he drinks after our fight??? That's how I felt all the time.
So the next day, sure enough I call him, to smooth things over, and I told him I was so worried that he was going to drink that night....
do you know what he said to me?? He said "see, that's codependence."
Looking back and remembering that infuriates me to this day. He was such a jerk to me and in that moment he actually has the nerve to point out that my worrying about him was codependent!? Like he was pointing out MY flaw! Ugh!! It totally made me feel like I was the damaged one....not him.
And you know what, he was right though. And now i'm addressing it for myself.
And now, I don't care if he drinks. I will never wish anything bad on him. I cared about this man completely. But I don't care what he CHOOSES to do anymore. He was so manipulative and such a user of me in hindsight. Now, I worry about HOW I WILL HANDLE a situation.
And it's baby steps everyday.
What do YOU need right now? Not him, YOU??
HUGS