Thanks a lot for your replies, they mean much to me!
I just realized I put a smiley on this thread by mistake... noo! it is dedicated to my bitterness and depression !! no smileys!! lol.
Miss, thanks, your impression is right. After I wrote that... I went home and he was there, he will stay to take care of the cats, he prepared me a sandwich, drove me back to work, hugged me and told me he wants me to feel better. Why don't I value all that??
Ah well.. yesterday we were talking about how I don't feel any desire at all and he said.. "maybe alcohol would ease you up"
book, thanks, I realize how I feel is by a combination of several factors.....
=overwork
=overwork day and night intermittenly
=bad sleep
=set of concerts nearby with SUPERLOUD MUSIC FOR HOURS
=unfortunate acts and comments by partner
=unfortunate comments of 3rds in denial
=seeing how others earn much, much more than me and do nothing but go on holidays, party... XABF among them
=more pressures at work
=implant, messing up hormones
=change on antidepressants
=peeping tom neighbor
=lack of $$
=macho neighbors and passersby that stare, say or shout things at me... today a really gross one that I got as neighbor stared just next to me for a long while.. bf was there and didn't even notice... I felt angry, vulnerable and impotent as he was soooooooo close and his stare was of a really bad vibe.
=triggers for this time of last year where I was at my very worst.
=knowing that tomorrow 8 AM I got to keep working....
=not giving myself space for myself to cry when I need/needed
=not trusting my family with much of what worries me.
I think I got all the letters on the HALT keyword. Will catch a plane home.. talk to you later....
Thank you for being out there and being understanding, with that list I said "how can anyone feel good after all that stuff" so I'll try cut myself some slack...