Mermaid, WELCOME!
Have you read through all the sticky posts at the top of the forum? There is a wealth of information there that I found really useful when I first came to SR. Some of it made me cry, but it was an eye opening experience.
I'd also like to recommend two books to you that I found invaluable - Co Dependant No More by Melody Beattie and Under the Influence.
I was with my STBXAH for 18 years. I didn't just 'throw away' those 18 years. I left for a better life for me. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless your ABF gets help, it will only get worse. My STBXAH used to 'moderate' his drinking for a few weeks, but then it would gradually increase till he exceeded the level he was at before he cut back. At some point you have to take a step back and look at how you are living. I was completely unaware of how I had been enabling my STBXAH's drinking over the years. Coming here, reading up on alcoholism and getting into one on one counselling all helped me see things from a different perspective.
Can you accept him for who he is right now, warts and all? There is a classic sticky post that might help you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html.
I hope you stick around and keep posting!