Originally Posted by
honoryourself 
I too am very angry at the way my AH has treated me after 'all I've done'. The funny thing is he says/feels the same way about me!
Over the past couple of weeks, my anger level has risen as once again, I got caught up in the drama that was exABF's life - job, family, us. He told me he'd never heard me so out and out angry. Hurt and frustration at being treated this way - for "all I have done" has a way of turning into anger -in my case, the pounding headaches, clenched jaws and knotted stomach told me that there ws a volcano of anger brewing inside of me.
Originally Posted by
honoryourself Finally I'm coming more to terms with the fact that, not only did I allow this in my life, this treatment and behavior, but I enabled it and participated in it myself. If I had had enough strength , had been less codependent, had less of this idea that I could make this man into the man of my dreams, had not engaged in the crazy yelling matches, had not come back after he said the worst things possible, had not blindly accepted that his alcohol or drug use was more than a factor of the environment we were in, etc etc etc... I would not be in this position today.
Things came to a head this week-exABF has been drunk since around the last week of November and the more he called or messaged or emailed when he was like this, the more I dug in my heels and backed away. But, for some reason, I still cared, I gave a damn enough about him, I loved him enough to wonder if being suspended from work would be enough to knock some sense in him - he wanted to quit work to focus on recovery. But, the workings of the alcoholic mind somehow convinced him that if he did that, he would lose me, I'd think less of him. He called me a couple of nights ago to tell me that - from a bar - why? because he was lonely. That did it for me - I let the voice mails, the IM's the emails pile up, went over to see him and told him it was over, to get out of my life and stay out. TOld him to look to his bar friends to provide support when he needed it. I let it all come out-anger, hurt, frustration......and I walked away.
Originally Posted by
honoryourself So I am also angry at myself, for being sick.. I'm angry that his sickness or addiction and personality affects my life in the way it has.. but angry that I allowed it through my own issues, to continue.
Someone in Al-Anon told me that my anger was at myself for letting his addiction affect me. It's just as unhealthy as the anger directed toward the A. While it's OK to feel anger, not to repress it, self-directed anger is the worst form of abuse you can do to yourself. I have read and re-read Co-Dependent No More - the chapter on anger and it has helped me to understand this so much more clearly.
Originally Posted by
honoryourself Sometimes that helps take the hideous anger out of me. But then, ask me again after the next time I get attacked verbally by my AH for no good reason other than him being drunk.
Understanding the source of my anger helps but it still does not excuse the anger of others when it's directed toward you. At that given moment, it's hard to rationalize those concepts when you're being verbally attacked. It's hard not to get caught up in it by responding back. It's hard to understand that the person attacking you has an incurable disease.
I'm still getting my brain around this concept and it's not easy to walk away - old patterns of arguing are hard to break and the only way I can work through all of it is to get through my life now one day at a time.