drugs of choice
It started with just smoking a solid joint and drinking (usually cider and lager, sometimes MD 2020, or vodka) when I was 12....by the time I was 15 I'd tried E's and was drinking every weekend and sometimes during school (i wouldn't get drunk at school)...at 18 or 19, i was using coke and drinking everyday except Monday (dont remember why just didn't)...I wasn't always drunk, sometimes just tipsy, or just nothing really....I was injected with heroin when I was 19 by my now ex, but it was a one off, we were both into coke more then heroin...I no didn't drink cider (most pubs I went to wouldn't surve me cider cause I got violent) so I drank vodka and lager and shots of anything....when i wasn't using coke or solid I was taking painkillers to an excessive amount (basically over the 8 a day)...I stopped using and taking tablets when I was 27/28 for a few months, I cut down drinking and would only drink friday and/or Saturday occassionaly during the week but it was one or two not like I was...then in the October of 2008 my friend was busted for dealing coke and started using my place to cut up....then it escalated, I started using again, I didn't pay for it, I started dealing in it, I would often have over 3grams of coke in my house, in the january i knew that I was getting deeper into the ****, i wasn't just a user, but my habit had meant to fund it, I sold it...so I decided to move away, I had gone back to drinking everynight, not always getting drunk.....
I finally managed to move away in october last year....within 3 months of moving I was using heroin, and I have been since, I was using coke, and I was drinking at least 70cl of vodka a day, I have had a few days where I've not drank or used because I've been so ill but in the last few weeks, I've started using wizz (speed), vodka and heroin (I smoke a joint now and again, but not loads)...I've cut back using coke and replaced it with wizz....I know what i'm doing, but i don't understand why I've hit this massive destructive button that as my drug worker said, the use of all 3 will give me heart problems because of what the drug does, she told me that what i'm doing has a high risk of OD'in...so why doesn't that get thru to me, why am i so stuck and convienanced that i'm "indestructable".....
I am getting worse, and more dangerous with what i'm doing and I've no idea how to stop, or even cut back...its like there is 2 sides to me, one moment I can be "right" that's it, no more...then someone else says "go on, its only once you can stop tomorrow..." and I listen...i don't challenge, i don't do anything, just give in...
I don't even know what the point of this post is...I wouldn't say I'm addicted as such to the drugs, but I am it seems addicted to anything that will cause me harm and is dangerous....I can't just have one drink anymore, I can't just use coke, I can't just use wizz and I can't just heroin...I have to keep pushing/testing to see how far I can go....and I don't get why I'm doing it, is it because I have su thoughts alot that sub-conciously I know, but on the front of it, I'm conviencing myself i'm not..I honestly don't know...
sorry, just a very confused post....i've no idea anymore.