wife-- you sound like you are doing some good thinking.
I am coming to realize too that I feel like with the right dose of love/guidance/care/support anyone and everyone is inherently good and will be a wonderful person.
I don't know where the **** I got this idea, but it really stinks because it means that I keep involving myself with people who aren't necessarily all bad but aren't necessarily good enough for me, or give me what I need or deserve in the relationship. In AH's case, I guess I just kept thinking, well we'll get out of this situation and then he'll be different. He would affirm those thoughts, so I guess we both played a hand.
It's hard for me to accept reality that no matter what he looks like, what he says, or what I want to believe, he has done some awful things to me. Whether or not it's completely his fault based on things he's been through is not a matter for me to take into full account. I too and many others have been through things that affect us to this day. The issue would be accountability. At least with that there's hope for change, but when they deny deny deny and lie lie lie, they aren't able to take responsibility and aren't interested in changing.
I guess this is where acceptance comes in, and where I am now. My AH decided to walk around our house smoking an entire cigarette just to make me angry (I'm a nonsmoker and HATE the smell myself, he always promised he'd quit.. at age 25, when we got a new apartment, next year, when we moved countries, when the stress of a new job was done, when he turns 30, when kids are on the way, etc..) And I had to open all windows and air out the place. It's just petty. He said I was provoking, and all I was doing was leaving my phone on record so he'd stop fighting with/insulting/provoking me and let me watch tv in peace.
Whether or not our A's are "bad" isn't really something that concerns me.. I still feel like AH has good parts.. but he also has parts that aren't acceptable to me in my life, and it's giving up on the good stuff and the dreams and hopes that hurts the most. Though he's really crossed some deal breakers, and in order to maintain respect for myself I have to keep moving on. Good luck to you too!