Hi Husky, it sounds like you have been doing a bit better sense you first posted about your "eye" idea. That's good.
I can understand to some degree where you are coming from regarding feeling like a failure. The last few years, I've completely felt the same way. I too am 41, and while I've had some "cool" experiences in my life, have not really accomplished much I'm proud of. For the past 4 years I've been in constant dire straights as far as money went. However, unlike you, I my parrents stepped in and helped me out. This had good and bad points. The good obviously being, I didn't have to worry about food and a roof over my head. In the depressive, suicidal nature I was in, I doubt I would have survived your circumstances. But you are surviving, not loving it, but somehow finding a way to make it through the day. The bad part of my situation is it allowed me to continue my addiction and allow me to feel trapped in the situation I was in. I couldn't get another job, other than the one I had, because I couldn't pass a drug test. (I usually spent $200-$300 a week on pot and another $50 a week on alcohol) They were afraid to just push me off due to my depressive nature. So it was just the same old thing, day after day. Not to mention the shame of being 40 years old and still living with my parents with no plan on how to change it.
Now I am not a "religious" person in any way. Personally I feel more people have been killed in the name of "religion" than any other cause in the history of man...but that is a topic for another day. What I can say, is that throughout my life, I've found that if I follow "that little voice inside" (I call it my gut feeling, as I have an ample gut!!) things have usually worked out for me. It doesn't always happen immediatly, but far more often than not it does. I guess some people would say this is following your "higher power". I personally don't feel that way as my "gut feelings" have no power over me, I can choose to follow them or not.
Now I obviously have known I have a "problem for some time, I've been kicking around SR for almost 8 years, been to inpatient rehab twice and the psych ward twice. However it wasn't until I made the decision for myself and chose to stick with it "no matter what" that things started getting better. I personally had a location change which helped as I wasn't around the same people anymore, but I could find pot if I wanted to. I've always been a "binge" drinker, and have never experienced blackouts, plenty of fuzzy memories, but no true blackouts. A few months ago I started taking Naltrexone to help with the alcohol cravings. It did wonders. While I do still drink on occasion, I've only been "drunk" once since I started taking it. The other times were social drinks, a couple of beers or glasses of wine. In all honesty I would probably be better off if I eliminated them from my life as well, but I'm willing to accept the progress.
Pot was my primary DOC, I was literally high 24/7, even waking up in the middle of the night to take a few hits. I've been completely abstainent from that drug for over 7 months. My life is so much better than it was. I'm still living with my parents, but now was able to get a good, well paying job, as I am chemical free. (I can identify with your commute, it's about an hour each way for me too!! In a way it's good as it doesn't leave me with much time to "get into trouble". Because of the move, I am closer to my 8 year old son and am able to spend much more time with him. My ex is becomming more trusting of me, as she can see the progress. (She's the only one who ALWAYS knew when I was drunk or high, I did a pretty good job of hiding it from the rest of the world) Because I was able to get a better job, I actually have hopes of getting my own place somtime next year. Because I'm not high, I can actually do a good job at my job. Like I said before, it's not that I couldn't find pot (stoners have some kind of third sense as far as "sniffing" each other out!!) I choose not to because I don't want to go back to how things were.
None of this happened over night. The first 4 months or so were really tough. I didn't have a job, as I quit my old one when I moved. It certainly wasn't the best time in history to be looking for a job. The county I moved to had some of the highest unemployment in the state. But I stuck with it. I used SR to help, and now that I have insurance again, I am seeing a psychitrist and psychologist.
I guess my point is, you seem to be the type of drinker who can't just have one, without drinking the whole bottle. That's the way I am with pot. I know if I took one hit off a joint, I'd be snagging the roach, trying to pinch a bag, hook up with my own, and so on. You've somehow got to find it in you to just quit drinking. From what I have read of your posts, it seems to have some pretty consistant bad results. I just kinda white knuckled it, I didn't socialize, and to a large part still don't. I let anyone who knew me in the past that I did not smoke anymore and if they wanted to visit they could not bring any pot with them. I was very serious and stern about this, and some just chose not to visit anymore, and that is ok. I'm not saying your life will magically get better in a month or so just because you aren't drinking, but what is the drink doing to positively affect your life.
There is a Cost/Bennifit thread going right now that is a great rational way to look at this. If you haven't done it, I suggest you do.
As far as starting your own group, I think it's a great idea. Starting an entire organization from scratch may be a bit much to take on, but there are a number of secular programs that offer complete "kits" for starting your own meetings. If you haven't checked out
LifeRing Home Page, the Lifering home page, I'd suggest you do. They even have a complete kit you can get
LifeRing Secular Recovery Meeting Starter Supplies
to start your own meeting. It's not an easy go. My fellow secular friend Paul (aka: Doorknob) tried starting his own with limited success, but I believe you live in a more metropolitan area than he did. The do recommend you have a bit of sobriety under your belt before you start the meeting, but you can order the materials, familiarize youself with the program, while you are getting a little time under your belt. Alera is also very familiar with the SMART program and could probably give you some good info about their program.
Anyway I hope some of this made sense to you. I do understand the hopelessness you are going through. You just gotta find a way to stick with it, NO MATTER WHAT. Take care.