yah. it was nice to be with friends. I went to some alanons. I got some advice from a woman who has done an inpatient codependent rehab (how cool is that?) then attended outpatient support group meetings. She said trying to rehab myself in this tiny town with no meetings and no friends is nigh impossible. <sigh>
To add insult to injury, my car died on the way home from vacation. It is in the shop in town (I was close to home when it happened), but with no money and an ancient car...I could be more isolated if it can't be fixed on the cheap. No money for a new car payment. We'll see how that goes.
So, we got these little bottles of flavored rum on our recent vacation...a few of those are missing. So if I wanted clear evidence he's not done drinking, I have it. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I was still hoping he would magically change (even though I knew it was bunk). And yet I still have a voice that whispers, "You don't really know; it may not be that bad..." Those old habits are hard to break, huh??
It's so serious. His addictions. I am reeling from how real and serious this all is. How its not a dress rehearsal. How I can't fix it by talking it over. How harsh it is to stand up for yourself.
I have been working on feelings.
I'm furious at him for being an alcoholic and mad at myself for not seeing it before.
I'm furious at myself for not paying attention earlier!
I'm furious at him for making the bedroom smell like YUCK.
I'm furious at him for not acknowledging.
I'm furious at him for denying.
I'm furious at him for taking away the goodness with all of this junk.
I'm pissed that expressing my anger to him will change nothing and might exacerbate things! I'm angry he's not sorry.
I'm angry he says there is no problem.
I'm sad its not going to be a fairytale.
I'm sad I can't help or fix him.
I'm sad to let go of any of it.
I'm disappointed at his behavior.
I'm frightened of the future. Of hurting his feelings. Of losing. Of change. Of the work to extract myself if I choose to.
I'm angry at my own no kids choice because its a sucky consequence. I'm mad that even if I were to leave I might not get the life I dreamed of. That I am in the unknown. That I can't control any of it.
I'm angry that I have spent these years with him just to have him blow it like this.
I'm hurt that he can't be real with me.
I'm hurt that he would push me away.
I'm hurt that he isn't honest.
I'm disappointed that he could lie like that - that he's not so perfect.
I'm annoyed that he has been mad AT ME these last weeks - for not communicating with him, for hurting him. For not calling HIM on MY birthday! What a load of crap.
I'm mad that he's messing with my great life I had with him. Dang it!!
I'm mad at him for taking away the love of my life (fantasy) and replacing it with this discomfort.
I'm sad for him to do this to himself and me.
I'm happy I am connecting with my feelings.
I'm happy I am learning who I am and what I want - minimum standards.
I'm happy I am growing and am brave.
I'm happy I am being real.
I'm still surprised my life is where it is.
I'm uncomfortable when looking at my own junk, but happy I am doing it.
I hate this.
I don't want this husband. I want the one I thought I had. (I'd even take the one that admits there is a problem, but I don't get that one either.)
It's so hard to take life AS IS.
I appreciate the growth of this.
Ugh.