I'm sitting in his ashtray
So,
I got away to think about things. Left my AH at home. Spent 2 weeks away. He canceled on Thanksgiving, so that gave me an extra week.
He is away on a trip, so I'm in the house alone for another week.
I got my head much straighter. Figured out a lot of my feelings. Worked on self-defining/differentiating. (a work in progress, needless to say...)
I can't control/fix/change him. I deserve a relationship where my partner is real, not trying to be what I want by hiding or lying. All I can do is make choices for myself. I won't have kids in a relationship where my partner can't be real and I don't trust. My trust can only be built by time and his openness, which he has the right to freely give or withhold, as he chooses. I have the right to declare the relationship a no go if I do not get my needs met.
But I come home to our bedroom smelling like an ashtray and I am mad all over again. I know its foolish to be mad because he gets to do whatever he wants. Just because I said I was not interested in dating a smoker a way back when doesn't mean anything. Nor that he swore he was done - that doesn't mean anything either. I just predict if I say ANYTHING he'll deny. And I'm sure he didn't smoke in here, but his skin carried it in. His hair. His clothes. I don't want to set him up to lie, but I already made it clear that is a personal dealbreaker.
I have been working on boundaries. I spent a long time worrying that my boundaries were unreasonable. I have decided that I can have any boundary I please, reasonable or not. I just have to be willing to deal with the consequences of it if it is unreasonable to him. And smoking is a no go for me - especially if it is going to leave my room smelling like YUCK!
I'm not surprised. He said he'd stop drinking for me (red flag! red flag!), so its back to the smoking (which he also said he'd quit for me - as well as that worked). (not my problem. didn't cause it. can't control it. AHHH! okay okay.)
so, I guess I am glad I have one more week to cool off. I am so easily triggered! So easily angered. I jump to him him him so fast. I need more time to figure out me.
Hugs to all of you. Happy belated Thanksgiving. I missed you.