HuskyPup

It’s been a long time since I checked in, but I thought I’d say hello. I’m in a fragile place right now, money has still been bad with state wage reductions and then those wage garnishments. But now it has been 60 days off from meds, namely Klonopin. I am feeling a bit more normal now after withdrawal symptoms that were among the strangest I have ever felt. I have not seen a Dr. since I quit, have not had the funds to do anything along medical lines, therapy, all that…and I am rather afraid of doctors anymore, and what they can do, and what they can’t do. They have always frightened me, especially so now.

Money has been tight, not much luck on a second job, have been trying to pick up catering gigs, but not much demand. Most days I struggle to buy gas, get food. Thus, have not gone out and got drunk much, but have a few times when friends have ‘treated’, but with ugly results: bruises, blackouts, black-eyes, pain. In ways, I like this. It’s like stepping into a boxing ring, kind of thrilling. Makes one feel rough, alive, even if in pain. Or perhaps the pain distracts from other more serious, ongoing pain, is a veil of sorts. I think it is related to a sort of death-wish: I am 41, with no house, car, retirement, questionable skills, no clear ambition, and see no future. My hopes have seemed to die in the past few years. It’s like a clock is ticking loudly, and I can see old age and death near, life half over, rushing past.

I wish I could manage to relax a bit about all this, I am not sure anyone here has been so dangerously broke, to the point where it almost does not seem to ‘matter’, like you are living on borrowed time, waiting for the time you will jump in front of the express train, and have it done with. The holidays do not help, this will be the second with no gifts, and the third I have not been able to go home to see my family. I am sad over this, they are getting older, I feel like such a failure, the eldest son, without even the means to visit once a year.

…So I try to talk myself out of this negative mind-set, and divert my attention to reading, I have read a great deal, I do work at a library, there is that. I have discovered a great fondness for the short stories of W. Somerset Maugham, an author I had always overlooked, and have spent many an hour variously chuckling or enthralled over his works. And I like to play online, interactive word games, mainly on my ‘furry’ social group site, all things that cost little, pass the time, and ward off the demons that call to me.

And yet, all the while, in the background, are the pains, the fears, breaking through: the sharp pain of the teeth going bad and knowing I lack the money for a dentist, or even the dental school, which wanted hundreds up front. And on and on….such a backlog of things to fix, everything from clothes to the car to my body falling apart, and me without he means to fix them, reduced to the occasional night of blacking out to forget it all when all else has failed. Life during war-time, this certain nonchalance about living, not pity, but rough survival.

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I feel like it would be good to get some real-life support in all of this, people to talk to, yet I can’t bring myself to go to AA, and they seem to be the only game in town. I must say I have a certain resentment of this fact, that there are so few other options, and so many of their members belittle other programs, and badger those seeking alternatives. It has happened all too often here and elsewhere, and I have come to fear AA and the steps as rigid, moralizing, and judgmental. It is nothing that could be with even the greatest difficulty integrated into my worldview. I recall once I tried ‘working’ the steps, and posted a version of them called, ‘the spiral steps’, in the secular steps section here. All I proposed was a different way to state the steps, but right away, a war started. I thought I was being humble and making an effort to meet others half way, and I was attacked. It opened my eyes. I recall this one lady got so upset, she acted like I had poked a sharp stick up her but, and twisted it. All for posting a different version of the steps on a ‘secular’ page where it appeared different versions might be welcome.

Thus I don’t think I would do well with the danger of the huffing, puffing, ‘it worked for me as is’ zealots. I don’t want to anger anyone, but so often the AA attitude rings so angry, strident, pompous, adversarial and bitter…it does not stick me as something helpful, or healing. I will leave it at that.


What do folks think of starting your own recovery group, open to different approaches, not based on any particular dogma? Has anyone tried this?

I feel so alone. Many times, days pass, and I have spoken almost no words, except a few to my partner, and a few to co-workers. I keep so much inside, I feel I need an outlet, especially in all of this. I will try to post more often here, and be a better friend, respond to other’s posts, offer what advice and support I can, not be so self-absorbed.

I will read back over the posts, and try to get more involved. I am sorry to discuss AA in a thread not intended for it, but is only by way of seeking a physical alternative, rather like finding a mom and pop store in a town where nowadays, there is only Wal-Mart.


I got a horrible black eye on Thanksgiving, I am not at all sure how. I go back to work tomorrow, how to exp[lain this/ Ug. I think, maybe I was trying to put my eye out…I have one good eye, and one that is only about 20/400, just a blur. Yet I saw on this insurance policy I have at work, I would get $100,000 for the loss of an eye; I have this vague recollection of thinking I could live without it, and put it out, make it look like an accident. But I am not sure. And yet, the idea is there. It is a lot of money, and the eye is next to blind anyway.

Well, I will stop. Hope all are well,


H. Pup