I know i will feel better tomorrow morning and my outlook will be different and I will be "gratefull" for being sober.
But it is this endless "playing it through" living which is sort of doing my head in. Surely if you apply to anything in life that you will feel better for not doing it after you've done it then you wouldn't ever do anything. I feel like I am Mr mature and i am uncomfortable with that, but how do i regain that release I want without the booze/drugs. To be fair no amount of 12 step work is gonna give me that. It is the music side of it which is really getting to me the most, I find it difficult to really get into listening to my tunes without pining to increase the enjoyment and bring me "closer" and more intouch with it without chemical aids. it just ain;t the same without it although i appreciate the playing it through approach can be applied but that is just doing my head in a little.
I have nearly 5 Full months sober and I know that if I was to drink in the future then ultimately I would have blown what i have built up. I don't truly want to drink genuinely and am applying the one day at a time theory to my difficult periods ie- weekends but it just seems really hard to not think that I am denying myself a pleasure, even if it is one that will ultimately destroy me. Maybe people outside the UK don't realise the associations with booze and masculinity/identity that it has in England. I feel kind of like a fraud drinking a pint of coke or lemonade in a way, I dunno I am struggling to see how I will ever be truly comfortable with it TBH.
I am sober though and have no intentions of drinking. TBH the thought of taking a drink petrifies me as I have no control and besides I would have nowhere to drink either. i couldn't realsitically drink at home as I just couldn't do it to my parents again and I wouldn;t want to go out as I don;t want to be drinking around others/police/bouncers so it would have to be alone in a hotel room or pub outside my town. Everyone I know knows I am sober/AA so I would just be full of paranoia or guilt, I guess my mood would be pretty dark in a blackout to say the least.
I really struggle with this time of year undoubtably too as I cannot feel I am alone and am incapable of finding someone who i truly connect with and have no chance of ever meeting them as I am petrified of the first drink so don't go out and know that i only have stuff in common with drinkers/partyers anyway do i just sit in my room and go to AA meetings. Oh dear I am a barrel of laughs tonight!! LOL. Poor me!!haha.
Peace.