alive
sober for 48 days. 48 days ago i tried to take my own life during the worst relapse in my alcoholic history. they say a relapse occurs before you take your first drink. that couldn't have been more true during this past binge. i saw a period of about 3 hours where i was going to be totally isolated and isolation spells trouble for me. in less than one hour i had consumed 3 40oz bottles of high alcohol content malt liquor and chased a handful of vicodin with a glass of wine. i remember thinking how nothing made more sense to me than killing myself. the only reason it made so much sense was because i was extremely intoxicated. i was then confronted by 2 cops who had been called by my wife once she found me in the state i was in. i vaguely recall being verbally aggressive with them while they led me outside to the ambulance that awaited me. the next thing i knew i was in an ER exam room handcuffed to the bed with a belly full of charcoal and a catheter in my penis. i don't know if the handcuffs were to protect me from myself or the ER staff. probably both. the next morning i woke up in the intensive care unit with severely bruised hands and knuckles. apparently, i was repeatedly punching the guard rails of the ER bed as hard as i could. i'm sure the catheter was a direct result of telling the tech that was trying to get me to urinate to go f*** himself. after spending an entire day puking up runny black charcoal in the ICU i was whisked away to the grimly sterile psych unit where i would remain for the better part of a week. there i was greeted by a woman who read me my rights after showing me to my room. it took me about 2 days to recall that i had tried to commit suicide. when i finally did remember that wonderful aspect of that lovely evening my head fell apart. i was sure that my wife was going to leave me. by this time i had already put her through vast amounts of hell due to my alcoholism. i was sure this was to be the final straw. luckily, much to my surprise, she stood by my side. the worst relapses i've had have involved suicide attempts and/or self mutilation. i've never experienced anything more evil than the effects of alcohol. when i consume alcohol i am unable to stop consuming and the more i take in the more violently self destructive i become. imbibing alcohol has always been about self medicating for me. i've never done it for fun. when i did drank in social situations i was just getting warmed up for the 'real' drinking that would begin once i entered seclusion.
i've been sober for 48 days. it feels like an eternity. each day is a challenge. the cravings are sometimes unbearable. the anxiety can be overwhelming. i'm taking medication for my anxiety and have feared on several occasions that i'm coming dangerously close to abusing it as well.
the most horrifying thing about alcoholism is that even after almost losing everything because of it (including my life) i still find myself missing it almost the way i'd miss an old friend or a dead relative. it's absurd and down right terrifying. the only thing that's kept me clean for the last 48 days is aa and sponsorship. they really do work. the spiritual experiences i've had in aa can only be described as miraculous.
so if you're an alcoholic on the verge of falling off the wagon maybe this story can help you stay on it. i wouldn't wish the mental terror and utter shame that accompanied my last relapse on my worst enemy.