Saturday
Let me get one thing clear; I ain't gonna drink.
But I am getting a little fed-up of the same old routine of being sober and having to just get through the weekends and being all nice and even-keeled but frankly bored. I miss the peaks man, the lows I hated but the peaks were great. I miss that I cannot connect to music like I previously could. I cannot/do not even want to listen to lots of my old music I used to listen to as it makes me sad that it's all over.
I have a week off around christmas and the thought of that has been getting to me also as I am feeling so bored, NYE too, sure there are AA meetings but I mean wtf has it come to?. Sure try new activities you say and that's cool and I am going to AA meetings but I am missing the "excitement/buzz" of the anticipation of a seshion and the rituals around this. Man the same old same old is getting to me. It feels at times like my life is over at the age of 23 in terms of what a part of me still craves ie- jack the lad excitement/thrills. I am a little tired of appearing Mr sensible but at the same time I know that I am an alcoholic/addict.
There is that part of me that thinks do i want to be a sober person though I know that as soon as I would be back on the sesh again I would hate myself and want to be where i am now again.
I guess it's normal to feel like this as a 23 year old male all alone and not able/comfortable to go out into environemtns where most people of my age will be. Is it always gonna be like this?
I am just writing what I am feeling and at times I wonder what it all for, I know what it's for but that anarchistic/wild side of me seems to have died and I feel sad about that to be brutally honest.
Oh well.