Whats the ******* point???
Well today I almost drank. I went home for a night and considered staying there (its 130 miles away) untill the end of the week as my flatmate is having a party, and I just cant stand the thought of watching all the people enjoy themselves while I dont. The party is here, in the apartment I live in, and I know its going to be horrible either being there and not drinking or making some sort of pathetic attempt to avoid the place untill the latest possible time (midnight, perhaps?) then creep into bed hoping nobody notices. I felt like **** about it, and decided spending an entire four days at home just to avoid something is bordering on ridiculous. But this is on Saturday, today however I almost drank. I was thinking maybe I could drink a few beers, and hopefully see its not such a big deal and meet a few people. I decided I'd head on up anyway and make my mind up closer to the time. Then I saw my ex at a petrol staion, well thats who I think it was anyway, she looked over, looked away (I still cant be sure it was her), and I felt anxious, angry, I was on my way to the bathroom and when I got in there, didnt want to come out untill I was sure she had gone. I looked at myself in the mirror and started hating myself, I look the shadow of what I was three years ago when we were going out, and lately have become so depressed I've lost interest in dating. I walked out of the bathroom, paid for my petrol, and tore off in a furious rage. I felt so angry. I decided to buy some drink on the way to dublin and walking around the off licence in the supermarket, suddenly realised how stupid it all was and just left the store. Sat in my car drinking red bull and trying to chill. Calmed down a little. And yet, I see no point in anything any more. The shop was just closing when I passed it half an hour ago and I almost wish I'd gone inside and bought something. It seems almost anything could be better than this vaugue descent into nothingness. I cant stay motivated at the gym doing wieghts, because I dont like looking in the mirror anymore. The more I try to look after my appearance the more depressed I get. I dont even see the point in getting fit, as I've lost interest in sex.
Right I'm back, I went out to my car to have a smoke and ended up driving around looking for a pub. I sat outside contemplating for a bit, maybe if I'd had my warmer coat I would have gone in and walked home im still thinking of going right now i dont know what the **** to do im starting to lose the plot maybe i should go home tomorro if things dont get better i will have to drink as ive lost interest in everything else things i used to really enjoy things i used to live for whats the ******* point???????????????