I have so many bottoms. The next more extreme than the last. I wont go into all the times I should have gotten help. I would be here for a long time.
I first considered it back in 96 or 97. After I had lost a pregnancy and because my BF at the time and family gave me an ultimatum. I was there 3 days and threw a tantrum and left.
I have been an addict since I was 12 yrs old. Hardcore since I was about 21 or 22. I am 34 now.
Not until Dec of 2006 did I really completely break down and beg for help. I ended up in the ER and they sent me home. I eventually tried treatment and left again. Tried to end my life in May of 2007 and thank goodness was unsuccessgul. Between all the stays in the hospital , mental hospitals and in and out patient programs over the past 2 and a half years. I still wasnt really ready. If I was I wouldnt have ignored all the advice from people who had found and kept sobriety.
I have some really scary bottoms. But none were ever enough to really want to stop.
I just relapsed last weekend. Once again I have lost my job. my vehicle, my self respect and the trust and respect from everyone around me.
But one thing I didnt lose was my life or the will to try again.
Thats only a matter of time if I dont get it together and fast.
I am in jeopardy of losing my family. Either by them getting sick of my ****, sickness or death. It is all a matter of time. I dont want to be left alone like this. I dont want to regret wasted time later on. When I should be cherishing this time with family instead destroyin myself.
Out of all those bottoms of near death experiences, jail time, moral sacrifices and just a plethora of consequences. It is losing my family that has gotten me to be serious. And not even that is enough. It is just food for thought that helps me keep trying. I think I am finally sick and freakin tired of always having to start over everytime I go gettin high and losing everything that took so much hard work to gain back. I am plain sick and freakin tired of myself.
It didnt take some major catastrophy for me to get serious. It did to build to this point. But just the simple disgust in myself has really put me in overdrive to get this recovery and keep it. I am not too far clean. But I have already taken some crucual steps that I have resisted for so long. Whatever it takes this time. No joke. At all cost I want to be clean and remain that way.
Like already said. He has to want it. He has to be the one to seek it and work for it.
In the meantime. Take care of yourself. Be supportive but dont sacrifice your own needs, health and sanity for it.