I think we can count me in.. had my first lawyer's appointment yesterday to start the separation. I thought my AH was ready and accepting this result, but as soon as I started emailing him about dividing our debts and paying our way and developing our sep agreement vs having to take it to court, he seemed taken aback like he couldn't believe I was actually going through with it!
I think the only time I waiver in my feelings for him is when he is sleeping peacefully. I just want to crawl over to him and cuddle, because when he is sleeping he can't be mean or hurtful to anyone, so he looks like the man I thought I was with. He seems innocent and vulnerable just like I feel. Then when he snores and stuff I don't want it anymore haha.
But this is hard, I want to cry approximately 50 times throughout the day, luckily I can fight it off pretty well, a few tears and then back to normal. I wrote in another thread I have to put on rap music or something in order to keep my stride in the car ... if I hear something sappy I turn into a wreck.
On my way to work this morning they played that song "I'm ready to sign the papers" no clue who sings it but it's R&B and about divorce. I thought that was appropriate.. haha. Except I have no papers to sign yet.
I just go back and forth between hating him and thinking of him as the biggest jerk (he is making this very hard for me) to feeling sad and sorry for him and wondering if I'm doing the right thing, when he talks to me calmly or sadly. UG. I keep having to remember certain things he's said to me, to make me angry again so I don't feel sorry.