I was still sizzling my first sober Christmas -- three days shy of two months. I had so many fears surrounding it -- that my kids would be resentful that it was only the three of us, that they'd be disappointed in all Santa brought for them, that there would be no "spirit" in our Christmas. I needn't have worried. What I didn't consider was how much it meant to them to have me there, present and aware, to share the day with them.
Since that, our family has grown quite a bit. I was thinking about this thread in talking with my husband a few moments ago. He did the Thanksgiving shopping today. He brings it home, I cook it. And we were talking about three of our four children coming home, all from different directions, about the other folks (our "orphans") who are coming because they don't have family near or are still in the process of healing past hurts, about maybe enlisting the kids to do the outside Christmas decorating while they're all here...and it hit me that the holiday season has begun. I was filled with joy -- the exact opposite that I used to feel. No more dread that I have to entertain, put up with people invading my isolation, be nice and listen when I'd rather be in the back room doing other things. I want to entertain and fellowship and be in the company of my family and friends. If that's not a complete psychic change from the past, I don't know what is.
I'm glad you're in a good place, Ashlee. It gets even better.
Peace & Love,
Sugah