SalParadise1951

My addiction is/was to alcohol and drugs. Of these alcohol and marijuana were what one might call my drugs of choice. That's not to say that I didn't use copious amounts of other substances. The thing is that when I used other substances, I usually had a beer in my hand while using them. Pot was my way to help me come down or end the night. It was also the way I chased hangovers and occupied myself between benders.

1.What do I enjoy about my addiction, what does it do for me (be specific)?
List as many things as you can that you liked about whatever you are/were addicted to.
a. Where possible, find alternative ways of achieving the same goals.
b. Recognize positive thinking about the addiction as a potential relapse warning sign.
c. Realize that there are some things you liked about the addiction you will have to learn to live without.
d. List what you enjoy about your addiction so you can ask yourself if it is really worth the price. e. Realize that you aren't stupid; you did get something from your addiction. It just may not be working on your behalf anymore.

I think what I enjoyed the most about drinking and getting high was the ability they gave me to get outside of myself. Growing up I always felt slightly out of place. I fit in to an extent but there was always something that somehow separated me from the pack. Booze especially lifted the awkwardness from me. I was the life of the party. More importantly, I think that I actually liked myself for the first time in my life when I was drunk and high. I felt complete and things felt right. Other substances functioned in similar ways for me. Over the years I developed a lot of anger and resentments. Pot mellowed those feelings out. When I started smoking I actually became friends with quite a few folks that I quite frankly hated. I also feel like pot opened my eyes to quite a few different ways of looking at life and its mysteries. Psychedelics played a similar role in my life. From early childhood, I suffered from depression and had a difficult time concentrating and staying motivated. Speed, whether it was powder, rock or pills were incredibly effective in correcting these problems. They've helped me to get quite a bit done over the years.

Another way in which I enjoyed my addictions was the lifestyle that came along with them. Especially with the illegal substances, there was a certain romance to the lifestyle. To this day, I still have a distaste for the dry ordinary ho-hum everyday lifestyle. It was exciting to live outside of the law. I was involved in selling quite a few of these substances. The "easy" money was nice. I took pride in having the connections that other people didn't have and my business skills. I loved being part of a subculture that lived life according to different ideals that were radically different from our materialist society (or so I thought anyway).

Along these same lines, I also romanticized the self-destruction that came out of my alcohol consumption. Growing up, it was a matter of pride amongst my circle of friends over who could consume the most alcohol. We would always jokingly refer to ourselves as alcoholics. Little did we know that we were actually quite accurate in our jests. In actuality, I think that is why we gravitated towards one another. A lot of my drinking buddies are life-long friends and many of these friendships were forged long before we picked up the bottle. If think what accounts for this is that we were all somehow predestined for substance abuse. Whether this was genetic, our geographic location or our similar family histories, I dunno. Anyway, we're all by and large alcoholics and drug addicts today. Getting back to my point, I just loved the self-destructive lifestyle. I loved getting ****-faced, hopping behind the wheel of a car, turning up the music loud, and driving as fast as I could. I loved getting into fights. I loved getting wasted and stripping off all my clothes and dumping beers all over my head. I loved joking around the day after about all the calamity the night before. There was this comradery we all shared. It was dysfunctional to be sure and I could always see that. I guess I just simply enjoyed this living on the edge lifestyle.

I suppose that another way in which I enjoyed my addiction is much more simple and to the point. I like the way that drugs and alcohol made me feel. I enjoyed the physical sensations. I liked the way booze tastes. I liked craft beers and exotic wines. I enjoyed smoking good pot. I loved the taste of cocaine and the numbness. I loved sinking into the couch after taking opiates and thoroughly enjoyed scratching the itches that came with them. I loved the enhanced sexual pleasure that came with amphetamines and mdma. For all the ways in which I used substances to achieve "practical" goals, the truth is that I love drugs in themselves.

As far as alternatives go, the hardest has been finding an alternative to my liking drugs in themselves. The best one that I've found has been through healthy eating and exercise. I think that my appreciation for drugs in themselves is really an aesthetic appreciation. I can get this from cooking. I'm getting into heirloom vegetables and meats and have been devoting my time to learning to cook a wide variety of meals. I can also take some of the money that I used to devote to my addiction and spend it on taking my wife out for a nice meal. Exercise has been giving me a nice healthy physical sensation that more than replaces those that came with my addiction. Getting stoned just doesn't compare to the feeling after completing a nice run in the woods.

I still don't have much love for the everyday life. I've learned to engage in it to the extent that I have to so as to stay alive but I'm outside of it as much as possible. I play music and I listen to quite a bit of music both at home and at different venues. I find a sense of adventure in discovering new music. Now I'm actually learning the intricacies behind a piece of music instead of just nodding-off to it while stoned. I also find that the spiritual experience that I get from music nowadays far exceeds the cheap imitation of a spiritual experience that I used to get from substances. I also read quite a bit, philosophy mostly. Exploring the depths of knowledge allows me to get away from the ordinary in ways that a drug never could.

The best news I have to report is that I no longer feel any need to get outside of myself. I know I had depression and social awkwardness before I started using but it only seemed to exacerbate the issues. I thought I was improving while in reality I was going backwards. I've been doing a lot of work in therapy and today life is good. I like who I am and what I can offer to others. I still struggle from time to time but I'm steadily acquiring the tools to cope with whatever life throws my way.

I guess that's enough for the first part. Questions 2-4 to follow. Thanks for reading. Any commentary would be appreciated.