the grief and pain of leaving
I just wanted to send my Hugs to everyone here.
At times it feels like any choice we make is going to hurt so much. Living with our AHs can be so painful, the way they treat us, the way our children must live. It becomes unbearable and we often choose to get out if we can't succeed in detaching and finding happiness within the relationship.
But the leaving hurts us too. As Nightowl said...
"I will sorely miss the sober man....all my life. But I won't miss the sound of a beer can top popping open."
At first all we feel is the grief and pain of leaving our hopes and dreams and occassional happiness behind. It can be nearly unbearable, the grief.
But we all can usually name that one thing we won't miss. This one Nightowl mentioned rang real true for me, about the sound of a beer can top opening. God how that sound used to make my stomach knot up! I still react a twinge when I open a soda for myself.
After a little while separated I can tell you the list of things I don't miss got a bit longer. It became easier to see them, and to realize how happy I was to be rid of them. Maybe you could try to think of a few more things you won't miss? Might be helpful, since you say you are going to leave.
For me, one was rainy days. Oh how my anxiety flew sky high on rainy days. Why? Because it meant my landscaping husband would not have work and instead would be at the bar all day. I would start feeling sick when I heard prediction of rain in the forecast. I would look out and see rain and want to cry.
Now I see rain and think my flowers will love it and I won't have to hose the garden down.