Ah, Trish, I'm so sorry for you. It was always completely demoralizing and heartbreaking when I found myself, yet again, tearing down some semblance of a life I had built back up. Made me want to give up and quit. I resigned myself more than once to just dying an alcoholic death.
But somewhere there, I had a little bit of hope. I had nothing left to lose. I got willing to take suggestions from people that had sucessfully recovered from the same place I'd been. I didn't really think it would work for me, being a die-hard atheist, but I saw that it worked for them. I could either keep doing what I was doing, or try it their way. Those smug, self-righteous AAers.
I got to a place, Trish, where I couldn't maintain the delusion that I would ever get it figured out. I couldn't believe the lie any longer that I would be able to pull it together.
I kept looking for bottoms. Some event that would serve as a wake up call and get me to see the light. After every one of my drunken escapades, crashing a car or being arrested, or some other slap to the face, I'd falsely believe that it would be enough to get me to see the light.
It never was. Just when I'd put the pieces together, and get a new chance, I'd tear it right down again. What it did for me was get me hopeless. It got me willing to take the same actions that had worked for others.
Originally Posted by
Aysha 
I dont understand it. How can someone that has so much going for them still want to go do that ****??!! I dont understand!
I think this is key. This is what powerless means. Why would I, after getting my life back together, try that old game once again, knowing where it would lead me?
It's because I'm powerless. I'd lost the power of choice when it came to drinking. And the wake up calls and good things in my life didn't prevent me from picking up that bottle. It's the nature of addiction.
The last thing I wanted was spiritual help. The idea made my skin crawl. But what else was I going to do? The delusion that I would ever recover was shattered. I knew, for the first time in my heart, that I would never beat this thing.
So I picked up the phone that day and called a guy who had beaten this thing. He talked about a spiritual awakening as being my only hope. With nothing to lose, I followed his directions.
And something changed for me. I recovered. I didn't do anything special. Just a run of the mill, hopeless alcoholic who was willing to take directions. I didn't always agree with the directions, but I was willing to follow them anyway.