We don't realize in early recovery
the amount of time it took
for us to destroy ourselves.
At least allow an equivalent amount of time
to rebuild. to renew.
We all get these 'why am I bothering' moments
remembering that these will pass
just as the obsessing and craving did when we first quit.
When *I* get in that mode
*I* know for *ME* that ....
I'm no longer in alignment with 'WHAT IS"
I'm back in the mode of
manipulating the world expecting *what I want* to be.
I'm no longer lettring Life happen all around me
I'm 'playing God' and trying to force
everything and every one in my world
to give me what I expect
to be rewarded with
because I'm 'being good' by not drinking, or working hard.
And that , for me....
is a disgusted, cynical state of mind.
And I'm so dang sneaky and underhanded....
I don't even let myself know that *I* am the one holding me back.
I have to stop and FORCE myself
to remember that
When I quit drinking,
I promised I'd do whatever was shown to me.
It's not *my* life any more.
I gave it, and my own 'expectational' will
to the Infinite in that third step.