Have you dealt with this? (and how)
AH and I are going through a D. We have been living apart for close to 1 year. In the last year I have seen changes in AH - I think because this is the first time he has felt consequences. This is good. I really just want a healthy dad for the kids.
Yesterday, we took a co-parenting class. 4 hours - online. I felt like I had this negative voice in my ear constantly criticizing me for 4 hours. After the last rehab - when he left and I asked him to live elsewhere for a time - I wanted a schedule for visits. My child's counselor said we really needed one - that AH needed to establish predictability with the kids - that a "drop by" while it might seem like a good thing (isn't it good to see dad) - really undermined predictability. I think AH just does not believe this.
Also, - and I don't really have it yet - but I need a schedule. I need to know when I can make plans, etc. Right now, I don't know where the kids will be at Tgiving - it's stressful. This weeks we have an appt with a parenting plan "coach" of sorts, and I am hoping I can work on this.
now, it appears that in AH mind the schedule was my way of limiting his seeing his kids, of basically making him a visitor. Also, I "gave up" on the marriage. Basically, D is my doing because I filed for divorce, broke my vows, etc. etc..
Well, I said, are you going to take any responibility? Well, for his actions, he says, but not for a divorce.
AH holding back tears.....piling on guilt (which I predictably respond to - because I am an ACA also)
I should add that I have been the primary breadwinner, and AH just doesn't see child expenses I think as his area. This has also caused tension. I just can't wait to garnish the guys wages. He has been saying he will contribute to the kids' college funds for at least 1 year. When I wrote the check for swim class - "well, that's your area".
during parts of the course, he was walking around the bedroom with an empty box picking things up saying "do you have a claim to this?"
I know this should not bother me. I need to detach, but gosh it's hard not to feel like a complete jerk. I'll admit that in the past I did feel superior at times, and I probably became addicted to drama/chaos, but I am working on those character flaws.
Trying to stop that negative self talk, but it's hard.