Somebody please slap some sense into me.
This must be what it's like when an alcoholic relapses. I had a total meltdown over the weekend, freaked out over AH talking to his affair partner from last year.
Since, I've been doing ok, getting ready for a conference I'm attending Wed-Sunday, but for some reason I'm compelled to snoop. Look up the OW on facebook. Call my AH to see if he's hanging out with her (we're separated)
I swear to you, I was in the clear. For several weeks I didn't give a crap what he did. I know that was real.
Why do I care? Why is this tormenting me? It's like a demon, following me. Laughing at me, luring me back. I know I shouldn't call him or even THINK about him. What does it accomplish? He's most likely drunk anyway.
Little things are triggering me. Stuff that I haven't had to deal with for a long time, like jealousy over my friend texting him to ask a question about music. Like him calling my phone to talk to the kids, so now I think of course he's got plans and is out at the bar where he can meet her.
This drove me CRAZY when we were separated last summer and he was living with her, partying all over my little neighborhood with her. Thankfully he was nasty enough to me during our joke of an attempt at reconciliation that I was sick of him and glad to be rid of him for a good month. Really! I woke up every morning thankful to the high heavens that I had escaped. God I hate that man. I truly do.
Wait. I think that worked. Oh that's right. He doesn't deserve to lick my shoes, as my friend so nicely stated the last time I caught him with his bimbo. Or was it the time before...
Boy this stuff is such a mind game. Thanks for letting me vent. And if you have any brilliance regarding why my heart keeps trying to sabotage my happiness and serenity, I'd appreciate sharing. Especially if you've been through this.
TF
