Hi Stella and welcome to Sober Recovery!! You have come to the right place to gain insight into all that feels like it's crumbling around you.
I am in a very bad spot myself, day 6 of no contact with my alcoholic, so I'm not much for encouraging words right now. I am just as angry, devastated, sad, furious embarrassed and all other feelings out there too. It's hard to think clearly when your mind is a roller coaster of emotions and woulda, coulda, shouldas.
Hang in there! Keep coming back here and reading all you can. Weekends can be slow, but others will be along to give you their thoughts and words.
(((((HUGS)))))