Wow. I am so lucky to have found this site. I have a lot that I need to share.
AH and I were married 15 years ago and we have 3 children, ages 8, 7, and 2. We are both 39. He was diagnosed bipolar 6 years ago and was hospitalized. Since then he has regularly taken his BP meds, and has been self-employed, and from the outside, was functioning really well.
However, in the last few years, his anger and his drinking have gone out of control. He was always angry with me; he had begun spending all his time sitting in front of the TV or taking the children off somewhere. But never me. Instead he had gotten more and more nasty with me. If he was actively drinking, he was in a mild mood. When he was sober, any little thing would set him off and he would rage. In the last year we had been in marriage counseling because my children were living in a chaotic and hateful environment and were learning all kinds of bad coping skills - including lying to mo so that dad wouldn't get in trouble.
On a family vacation, he became angry with me when I asked him to participate more with me and the kids, and he ended up telling me he wanted a divorce and leaving our vacation spot and driving home (16 hours) and leaving me and the kids there.
When I got home he wanted to reconcile, and our psychologist encouraged me to, and so for 5 days we lived together. On Day 6 my 8 yr old son had a surgery scheduled (outpatient, but with anesthesia). My AH went out with a buddy the night before, got drunk, passed out, and slept through the surgery. When our sitter came to help get the other 2 kids ready for school, H was asleep, and my 6 yr old and 2 yr old were in the kitchen together while the 6 year old was packing her lunch.
I told AH that if he would agree to stop drinking and enter AA or other program that I would stay and work on arriage -- otherwise it was over. He has chosen alcohol over us.
I am angry; I am devastated; I am sad; I am furious; I am embarrassed; you name it, I feel it.
We are in the process of divorcing. I have asked him to agree not to ingest alcohol while he has custody of the kids (2-3 wknds a month). he won't agree, so I guess he wants the whole courthouse and the judge to hear the history and why I am asking. he thinks I am trying to control him. Honestly, I am THROUGH trying to control him or take care of him in any way. I only want my kids to be safe and supervised when they are in his care.
I am asking for insight, similar stories, friendship, support, etc. I am lonely and it sucks to be constantly worrying about my little ones when they are with him. But our house is calm, quiet, loving, and pleasant, and the kids and I are getting used to our new life. They miss him like crazy, and sometimes I do, too...but his behavior was too unpredictable and only getting worse.
