My first meeting.
As soon as I pulled into the parking lot and saw not a few but many other cars it really hit home. My last excuse (no one else would be there) had been extinguished. I even saw people walking in one by one. At that point my ever present emotions got the best of me. The tears started to well up. I saw another car pull in. At this point I was already walking the same path I had seen two others go down. I got to the building now questioning if I really was in the right place..at the right sort of meeting. There were a few doors I didn't know where to go. So afraid of entering a room which would have a diet and nutrition meeting taking place or whatever. The tears started flowing as the man in the car that pulled in behind me came down the path. I thought about being clever and asking if Bill W. was inside but instead I sobbed "I don't know where to go". He looked at me confused, I think I said something I know I cried harder. He said Oh...your looking for a meeting and opened the door. "Are you OK?". My reply..."I will be when I get through the door." He said..."you'll be fine we don't bite" Not realizing how very true my last statement was I walked in, still crying and was immediately overcome by the number of people in that room. At least 30. This is at 10:30am! I was more astounded by the women who looked like me. It was a relief to see girls my age...there were about 6 of them. The room wasn't so big three tables shaped like the letter U in the middle and tons of chairs along the perimeter of the wall. Not many seats left, full house. I found a seat next to a girl who looked to be about my age. We never spoke but I felt safe there. I wore a hat kept my head down, cried and listened.
I bit my lip, clenched my fists, read the posters they had pinned to the wall, stared at the ceiling, stared at my feet and then the sharing started. The stories were all different all interesting all helpful. If you have been reading my posts you well know I have a lot to say...so many questions, so many thoughts. I felt the need to share and I did. Although I couldn't say the "and I am a alcoholic part" I did a roundabout version of it. Something along the lines of I guess I' here because I might, I think...I have a problem. I may be an alcoholic. Told the story of my Liver enzymes and how I was simply asked to stop drinking and couldn't. Told them how I had gotten through 9 days on willpower and I knew it was running out. told them I was sent to AA because AA can help. The end. Happy I said it...nice to see the smiles and nods. Just a relief.
What happened last was so wonderful. The meeting ended and all the girls who looked like me came over and put their phone number in my hand. Then some of the older women started giving me their numbers and then a few men. I have a pocketful of numbers of people I can call. I don't think I will but it was so nice, it made me feel good. I was 15 minutes late to pick my son up because so many women WANTED to talk to me. I don't think I have felt that in a long time. They wanted to hear my story to share theirs to encourage me. Even men were, I guess for lack of a better word "congratulating" me and offering advice and support. Many suggested other meetings to attend, someone gave me the book Living Sober everyone listened and smiled and encouraged me. I left feeling great. I want to go again.
I feel like my deep breaths just got a little deeper. I am so relieved but more then that I am hopeful. I look forward to going again...maybe even tonight at 7. I am starting to really want to be sober. It seems there is a bright side. Thank you SR for getting me through the first 9 days...I have more then just willpower now. I think I may be a member of a group that 2 weeks ago I thought was for "other" people. Instead it may be that group I have been looking for unknowingly for years...I fit right in.
Jo