Hi, friends.
I finished Codep. No More. Lotsa notes from it. Now I see why you all didn't advise me on how to do an intervention.
Like I have said, he's back and I have been trying to calm down (stop chicken little-ing) and think clearly so I can make good decisions for myself.
Our financial situation is far more challenging than either of us thought it would be. I really need to work, but there isn't anything here. I've decided to go to stay with friends out of town for a few weeks, pre Thanksgiving, and try to make some money. I think it will be good because its a big town and I can go to AlAnon meetings and take a break from my husband.
I can feel us settling back into the don't-talk-about-it, try-to-normalize-and-forget mode. I'm not there right now.
Yet, I am still uber attached to "we can fix this". I feel like if I separate formally, it would be with the hope
something could shift in him. I realize there is no cheese down that tunnel.
I will have no way to know if anything has changed since his drinking and hiding and lying business was secret anyway.
Which means the leaving has no end point.
<<Heavy.>>
But I also recognize that he has lied/hidden things more than once, so what am I waiting for?
Another time? And THEN I will leave? That's nonsensical.
And if I am as freaked as I am (thanks to you all) about having kids...what am I waiting for?
I remember when I was hesitant to get married and he asked me, "What are you waiting for?"
I said, "Well, we used to do all this crazy arguing and I don't want to do that for my whole life."
He said, "But we haven't in a long time, right?"
"Yea, right. But what if we do again?"
"So you are waiting for the
absence of something?"
"I guess so."
"How do you know when something
isn't happening
enough?"
That was deep. I got what he was saying.
"But I'm scared," I said.
"So am I," he said.
And we cried together.
And I agreed to marry him.
I thought when you got married, you would stop feeling scared and then commit. I learned you commit and then you stop feeling scared.
Isn't it crazy where we learn the same lessons over and over again in different areas of our life? Even if you learn a really good, really powerful, really meaningful, really HARD lesson in one area...you have to repeat the process from square one?
I'm still scared, don't get me wrong. I am also trying to stay present.
And we'll see what tomorrow brings.
Hugs.