Are meetings for me? Many say go...but?
Woke up on Day 9 feeling good. Slightly depressed but good. No cravings for alcohol what so ever. This is the main reason I haven't gone to AA. I spend the majority of the day feeling OK. I definitely think about drinking and what is ahead of me but feel fine. It isn't until around 4 or 5 things get tough and I turn into a little bit of a lunatic. Last night I was frantic. Can't sit down, mind racing, on edge, literally clenching my fists, deep breathing, all over the place physically and mentally. It isn't pretty. It doesn't feel good but I know now in a few hours it passes. When I am feeling that way I do think I would drink if wine were here. I avoided the liquor cabinet last night and will get rid of it today.
What I need to know and I need brutal honesty with..."is what I feel what an alcoholic feels?" Do "normal" people really have NO trouble giving up alcohol? Doesn't everyone (especially stay at home moms) crave a glass of wine at some point during the day, mainly the evenings? On my facebook at least 3 different moms last night wrote they were going to have a glass of wine. Am I really that different? Couldn't I be making this harder for myself because I have convinced myself I have a problem and I don't but am fighting it anyway. I can be crazy like that...I think. I bet some of you are getting tired of my blabbing on and on but I have learnt a lot in the last few days but still am not convinced... Maybe a break is all I needed...
I am nervous to go to meeting. Nervous to walk in. I am not ready to admit anything. Is walking in admitting you have a problem or do you have to actually say it.
What I am ready for is this indecisiveness to end. Between the constant thoughts about not drinking and the constant I am? I'm not? I feel I am losing my marbles. This new found energy is so being wasted on crazy thoughts.
Thanks for reading, thanks for replying, thanks for putting up with me...
I have already looked into todays meetings...I have all day to think about it. I don't know what to do. I wish there was a blood test for alcoholism...a simple positive or negative. I need a definitive answer...
Jo