Originally Posted by
tiredspouse 
I am getting divorced from my AH. After 3 rehabs, lying, quack, quack, quack, Alanon, counseling, etc..I finally see the end of the chaos road. We have 2 small children. I see that asking my husband to leave was really the best choice - he even admits that this was the first time for consequences, and he seems to be serious about his program. I really just want him to be healthy and a great dad. He claims to have been sober for 10 months, but as I don't believe anything anymore, I don't know if that is true. He clearly is doing well and putting his life together. I am overall happier, and my children have a better relationship with Dad than the active alcoholism days. I see that he manipulates me - even now - but I (usually) can just accept it for what it is. I'm not sure he even realizes when he manipulates. I also hear the victim language, but it isn't making me crazy. I don't feel as much anger (at least today).
However, the sadness has all of the sudden hit me like a wall of bricks. I miss my old friend - or maybe I miss my friend fantasy. I am full of grief. I am sad that mom and dad don't live in the same house. I am sad that we will not grow old together. I am questioning myself - doubting myself. Was it really that bad - well, yes, during the drinking days.
However, at the same time, I don't want to live with him again. I can't go through the detox, rehab, recovery cycle again. I don't want my kids to be smack in the middle or take that chance. However, at the same time, I miss him. I keep crying - it just hits me like a wave. I just feel such sadness. I used to feel anger and frustration, confusion, but now I am just sad. I long for the "good old days" (less alcohol).
Has anyone else felt this way?
I hope you don't mind my being harsh here.
When you live with an alcoholic or you are a victem of domestic abuse, you cling on to the memories of the man you fell in love with. You remember the person as they were when you first met and every day, you pray and hope that you will see a glimmer of that old person you loved. You pray that one day they will recover and come back to you as they were. The truth is, they don't. In the alcohol or domestic violence, they lose themselves. They can not find themselves again so how are you suppossed to? You have done the right thing in giving your children a life without seeing the misery you bith went through. The sudden sadness you are feeling is grief just as if he had died. In a way, it is a death because the man you fell in love with is gone for-ever and you know that you can never bring him back. Your sadness is also a feeling that you have failed in your marraige and that is natural but look upon it as a sign of strength that you had the courage to end it. When you get sad days, try to remember your worst days with him, the uncertainty, the misery and the worry. Then look to how your feeling now. you should feel free of worry, happier and more secure. keep these thoughts positive and you will soon see life infront of you for the better. I wish you all the best.