Have you felt this way?
I am getting divorced from my AH. After 3 rehabs, lying, quack, quack, quack, Alanon, counseling, etc..I finally see the end of the chaos road. We have 2 small children. I see that asking my husband to leave was really the best choice - he even admits that this was the first time for consequences, and he seems to be serious about his program. I really just want him to be healthy and a great dad. He claims to have been sober for 10 months, but as I don't believe anything anymore, I don't know if that is true. He clearly is doing well and putting his life together. I am overall happier, and my children have a better relationship with Dad than the active alcoholism days. I see that he manipulates me - even now - but I (usually) can just accept it for what it is. I'm not sure he even realizes when he manipulates. I also hear the victim language, but it isn't making me crazy. I don't feel as much anger (at least today).
However, the sadness has all of the sudden hit me like a wall of bricks. I miss my old friend - or maybe I miss my friend fantasy. I am full of grief. I am sad that mom and dad don't live in the same house. I am sad that we will not grow old together. I am questioning myself - doubting myself. Was it really that bad - well, yes, during the drinking days.
However, at the same time, I don't want to live with him again. I can't go through the detox, rehab, recovery cycle again. I don't want my kids to be smack in the middle or take that chance. However, at the same time, I miss him. I keep crying - it just hits me like a wave. I just feel such sadness. I used to feel anger and frustration, confusion, but now I am just sad. I long for the "good old days" (less alcohol).
Has anyone else felt this way?