I did something very wrong
I had posted this on *****Answers but didn't get good answers. I need to get this out of my system and I hope everyone can be understanding and supportive.
I live with my mom(almost 70) and she is also an alcoholic, she had a hard life, my dad use to beat her like she was a man, they are divorced now and I live with her in a small 1 bedroom condo...
2 months ago, we got into a arguement because she was "in my business" so to get her more pissed off I threw away all the food in the refrigerator she had made for me the day before, called her the nastiest word for a female, blasted the stereo, carried on then I felt terribly guilty and told myself I would never do that again...
A month after, I did it again and it was worse, I dumped a 20 pound bag of rice on top of her head, on her bed, broke glass, cussed, threw away all the food again in the refrigerator and spit in her face...the whole time I did this to her, she kept silent and took it. I couldn't stop crying for 6 days straight. Even after she had told me she's forgiven me, I cried again last night and told her I was sorry again.
What hurts me the most is "the spitting in her face" part because I can remember her face expression while I did it and makes me feel so bad. What would hurt me even more is when she passes away, I will think about this. It makes me feel bad because she didn't derserve this, even though if she did, she didn't need to put up with my crap but she did.
What can I do to let this go?