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11-01-2009, 07:25 AM

# 5 (permalink)

dothi

Member

Join Date: Sep 2008

Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.

Posts: 402

Quote:

Originally Posted by StellaBlu

When I first cut ties with him, my mother (who is divorced from him because of his cheating and the fact that he left her for another woman) and my sisters (even the one who was sexually abused by him) rallied on his behalf and applied pressure on me to reconcile with him.

There's this poorly conceived idea out there that we should value our family ties above all else, even if abuse is involved. Stella, I think you were probably a fairly sensitive and perceptive child. You knew this wasn't right. You listened to your gut that told you keeping in contact with a child molester was not smart.

Your mom and sisters were not ready to face the reality of what kind of person he is. They probably wanted "to leave the past in the past" (a tagline I've heard in my family a lot). You cutting off contact acknowledged that not only was there something bad in the past, but that it was also still unresolved.

Re: abused sister. She probably didn't want to feel responsible for creating a family rift. How much do you want to bet she was hearing things like, "he didn't do anything to Stella - what happened is none of her business."

Sexual abuse had its place in my family too. IME because children are growing up in an environment where they are already forced to parent their parents, when abuse like this happens and their only source of stability (a suffering family) threatens to fall apart, they continue to carry that responsibility of keeping the family together - even at the cost of being abused. Because they are growing up in a dysfunctional home, they do not get to learn that it's the abuser who is responsible - not the victim. That's too bad about your sister, because it sounds to me that growing up in an abusive home has left her believing that any kind of abuse is ultimately okay if mom/dad does it. Your parents aren't really responsible, right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by StellaBlu

I don't want to see my father suffer at all. I just don't want to be subjected to him. I don't want him to be a part of my life and I don't want to be a part of his life.

Hear hear! I feel the same way. I wish my family could understand that too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StellaBlu

My younger sister will refer to that time period as when "sb took a break from the family". I guess that was sort of true but then it allows them to not take responsibility for that fact that they didn't call me either. Were they taking a break from me as well??

I would say so. What do you do with a child who is demanding to have her very real human need for respect/acknowledge/support when you were used to her being small/powerless/ultimately unimportant? It sounds to me like your mom ran out of manipulative ideas to keep the system working - the one where her opinion is the only important one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StellaBlu

Her response: "Well if it doesn't bother M(mysister) then why should it bother you?"

How much you really want to bet that it doesn't bother your sister? How likely is it that your sister still believes that the family falling apart will be her fault for being the victim? Sexual abuse is a terrible thing. Your sister may feel guilt that she was "so seductive" to your dad, and your dad being so "weak" in character, that what else should she have expected to happen? If you are already being raised in a home with unstable parents, then you convince yourself that you should have known better than to exist in the innocence that is childhood.

My sister and I were both sexually abused by a family member on my AF's side. I (Hero) took on the responsibility of parenting my AF, became a rock in the family, and "moved forward." I thought I was doing a good job. My sister OTOH struggled, and she heard that exact same line over and over again. When I got older and wanted counselling, it was "hush hush" and "I thought you had dealt with it". "Past is in the past, so why bring it up now?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by StellaBlu

Last January my live-in boyfriend found himself in an unfortunate situation which he admits that he had partially caused. My mother happened to have called me two months after it happened. She loves my boyfriend (probably more than she does me

) and she was in shock. After a few more comments to me I said to her "you know he could have done XYZ to prevent this". She then said to me in the most judging and snappish (is that a word?) tone possible: "You didn't say that to him did you?" I was livid. I wrapped up the conversation quickly and decided not to ever call her again.

To be honest, Stella, it sounds like your mom grew up in an environment where men could do no wrong. That's why she didn't draw boundaries with your dad to protect your kids. That's why she can't even acknowledge that your boyfriend - man or not - is human too and will make mistakes. Your mom may have grown up with the belief system that men are inherently in the right, and women inherently in the wrong.

This is not an uncommon belief system. I know my AF's family of origin was very much like this. You don't spend money on women. You don't invest in women. They don't amount to anything. They are burdens - not blessings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StellaBlu

NINE months later she called me (last week) not to apologize for snapping at me but to wish me a happy birthday and to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary has happened.

Because she believes this treatment of people is normal. That if she hounds you enough, eventually you'll accept the status quo and fall in line. She believes she fulfilled her role of mother by putting you in your place. So why should she feel bad about it?

It's terrible the kinds of things we can grow up to believe are normal. But what are you supposed to do about it? How are you supposed to know better? I believe that the isolating nature of dysfunctional families is what makes the negative impacts so strong on us. You aren't educated with healthy alternatives - you are just given the same incomplete lessons again and again with a sledgehammer.

FWIW I think you are doing really well in facing such a heavy family history.