Rock Bottom
This morning at 3am I was laying in bed trembling. My heart is pounding, my mind is racing, my soul is screaming. I’ve stopped praying and begun begging. Begging God to come down and enter me, kill the demons, and let me live in peace. I’m tired and broken.
I’m 31 years old, and I’ve been an alcoholic for 13 years. Almost half my life I’ve spent filling my idle time either drunk, getting drunk, planning to get drunk, or regretting my recent drunken binge. It’s always on my mind, always. Somehow, in those 13 years, I’ve also gone to college and graduated high in my class, got a good job, married my highschool sweet heart, had a kid, and have another one on the way. I’m truly blessed in what I’ve been given, yet I’m throwing it all away.
I love my life. I love my wife. I love my son. I would die for them if I had to, no question about it. But that doesn’t make me a good husband or dad which is what I want more than anything. Some people say that alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they can begin recovery. Well I’m laying here tired and broken, realizing that I have failed to do the one thing I say I want the most, to be a great husband and father. This is my rock bottom.
It’s November 1st, 2009. The time changed about an hour ago for daylight savings. I’m wondering, if the time can change just like that, can I?