Dear Girlbythelake,
I went to my first few meetings and sat in the back with my arms folded around myself to keep myself from falling apart. I choked back tears and was petrified to even introduce myself to anyone. I would dash out as soon as the meetings were over and cry hysterically alone. One time, when I finally could talk to someone at the end of a meeting, I honestly was crying so hard, that I thought I might vomit. I couldn't really talk. I tried to talk, and eventually said my name and a couple of other things that didn't make much sense, and got some phone numbers that I never called.
Months later, I still cry. I think it's a combination of grief (no more wine--my best friend is gone), anger (why me??) shame (I'm pathetic-how did this happen?), embarrassment (please don't look at me!), RELIEF (thank God I don't have to pretend anymore), and also kind of being overwhelmed at how much love people have shown me. It's almost too much to bear. I guess I haven't shown myself a lot of love over the years. Maybe some of this resonates with you.
It sounds like you are in the right place. I wish you well on this journey. Keep coming to SR and doing whatever else you need to stay sober. This community (SR) is awesome, and has helped me so much. Peace out.