dutifuldaughter

My Mum has been an alcoholic most of my life. I am 34. It is something that came and went, with her 'controlling' it randomly, making my sister and I think that we were crazy for thinking that she was an alcoholic. We hid our fears very well for many years.

Looking back on it now, it is easy to see we have known and hidden this for over 20 years.

It has been at its worst the last 10 years.

I have always been pretty good at not allowing her drinking to be a part of my life. I was very harsh, not talking to her when she was drunk, leaving my visits to her if he was drunk, trying hard not to get into any conversation or argument with her. Obviously, I was not always successful.

I love my Mum very much.

I moved away (to the other side of the world) 8 years ago. And feel terrible guilt that I left my sister here to deal with her constantly. She finds it difficult to not become a part of the drama, and it has been terrible for her. I feel protective of my mother in the sense of the world, and have hidden it from everyone, but I feel very protective of my sister in our family world.

Here's my angst as it is now...

My Mum went to detox a month ago, and started going to AA. Things were great. I was so sad, but so glad that she had finally admitted to herself she was an alcoholic, and had walked towards the road to recovery. Outside I was supportive. Inside, I was waiting for the relapse. Waiting for her to say she wasn't like those people. Waiting for her to start drinking again.

Waiting for her suicide.

She relapsed. She attempted, and failed suicide.

I flew home.

She was in denial, now that she is sober again, that she wanted to commit suicide. It was a mistake, she doesn't feel suicidal. I guess now she sees that in her dark drunken state that she did. She is back at AA in full-swing, with a sponsor. She seems to be doing as well as possible, working on herself working to get well.

I am living here with her for the next month. And I really don't want to. I love her and want to help her, but I am angry at her. I want to help my sister more. My sister is scared, and angry and confused and sad. And I have to help my Mum first, because she attempted suicide, and I have to be with her. I suppose, looking at it, I want to help my sister, because I feel those things too - and I feel guilty mostly to her for not being around, except on the phone.

I am doing my best to take time for myself, and keep myself removed from the disease, so that I don't fall into my own role in this family, and can hopefully help. I don't know if I am doing a good job. I am scared Mum will relapse. I am scared to tell my friends I am home. I can't even go see my Dad (divorced when I was 5 - still BIG issues with him in my mother's world) - he knows nothing.

I recognise I am playing my 'role' as the 'strong' one. Even while trying not to be in a role.

I am so confused. So scared. So angry that I had to drop everything for an alcoholic mother. (Hard, it's a disease, I know, and anything else, of course I would want to come and help).

I don't know what I am asking for by posting here.

I just needed some thoughts from people outside my sister and husband.

Thanks for your time reading this.

Many thanks aswell.

DD