You're an alcoholic Dallas.
I don't know precisely what going on inside your head - but in mine...
for a long time my life was crap whether I was drinking or not...but I kept on returning to drinking because, in my insanity, at least drinking only filled me with revulsion shame self loathing and guilt, not the sheer breaktaking terror of never drinking again.
I could deal with revulsion shame and guilt - fear not so much. The supreme irony for me was - I didn't want to cede control of my life to ...whatever.
I was a puking, mewling mess - and I was still so proud I didn't think anyone or anything else could do better.
That's genuine insanity right there.
You need to trust people D , not least of all yourself - yes, it will suck - probably for a much longer time than you want it to...
but it WILL get better....so long as you stop thinking of drinking as a viable option.
We're all here to help.
D