This is getting so old again!!
Hello... well, i really did it the last few days. went on a 2 day drinking binge and don't remember much. I did tell my parents I wished i was dead. The alcohol talking and the desperation. I do not feel like that now, as I have finally slept it off and feel almost together again. This continuous relapsing is just getting so old. In the last few months I have ruined some relationships and lost out on a few opportunities. I feel like I let my parents down so much. it sucks. I have been not drinking for a few days going to meetings, then drinking again. I mean I went out the other night and ended up waking up in my car at 4:00 am. Insane. I am so lucky that I did not get a D.U.I. The really crappy part is I have posted that that was the last straw and I will get sober again and make it last, however, every time i had the intention I again looked at my life situation and then said why bother? I already lost 18 months.. so forget it. just to repeat myself(sorry, others who have read my previous posts); i am 41, 2 kids(not living with me, live with my parents, no significant other..etc.etc.. It's like a pity party I am sick of even writing about now! If I could get back on track and move forward with the program, I was on step 10 actually in NA. I also take anti-depressants, but, as you know the effect is negated when drinking and whatnot. Basically, I feel like I am at the end of the line but, scared,empty,alone, worn out... I think just by typing and then reading this, I feel a little stronger and I think I can do this again. BTW, I do have sponsor who I am close too, but I have not called him in a few days, for obvious reasons. I like him, but he gives me the worst case scenario and tells me that I should be greatful for what I have now, as it could be alot worse and I know it.Sometimes I do not want to hear that though. I do have a handful of friends in the program, however, like I posted before, It's hard for me to make friends sometimes as i sometimes look unapproachable... blah,blah,blah.. Thanks for reading.