Pelican

Our family home will be auctioned on November 4th. sigh

Yes, I'm grieving another loss. I noticed it when I started making the audible sighs through my day. At least now I have the tools to recognize the grief and allow myself to walk through the sadness.

Angry, yes I was. I was angry that my inheritance money was the down payment on that house. My parents worked hard all their adult lives. I inherited money from the sale of my mother's home when she passed away three years ago. I put that money into our joint account. I agreed to use the money to purchase a home for our family. The home was purchased without my name on the deed. I was allowing my AH to control our finances as I was still settling my mother's affairs.

Denial, yes I had that. I denied that he was trying to control me by putting the home in his name. I believed him when he said that my credit rating would lower our approval rating. I believed him when he said we got a better rate under his name. (I did not know how badly he had run up credit in my name at this point).

Bargaining, yep. I was gambling that maybe a buyer would come along and buy the house. He would be able to pay me back the down payment and I could get out from under this debt load. He failed to sell the house.

We both moved away from the home and the area. I moved 100 miles west and got a divorce in April. He moved 100 miles south for another job in July. I have been back to the house a few times to get last minute items and a few plants. I left my gardening supplies in the outbuilding. He is moving those into storage this weekend.

Each time I have gone back to the house, it has been an emotional experience. Each time I have gone back, it appears worse from neglect. I'm a fixer by nature and it is so sad to see the home neglected and abandoned.

The last time I went to the house was 3 weeks ago. The children spent the evening with neighborhood friends and I went to my homegroup Alanon meeting. I felt closure from that meeting. I was saying goodbye to dear friends that helped me begin my journey. They are cherished friends.

That home will hopefully be a blessing to another family. I am thankful for my time there. I was my worst and my best there. I was an active alcoholic while living in that home. I began my journey of recovery from alcoholism in that home. I was my co-dependent worst in that home. Needy, begging, pleading, compromising, bargaining, ignoring and overlooking. I'll always remember walking back into that house after my first Alanon meeting and walking over to my then husband and saying "I have decided to leave you. I want out of this marriage." (disclaimer: Alanon did not teach/encourage/know about my decision). I found my voice that night.
He asked me if I would stay if he got sober.
I told him I used to believe that sober was what I wanted. However, since becoming sober and working on my own recovery I realized that sobriety was not enough. He needed a recovery program to learn to treat himself better and others better. I was not available for sponsorship.
He reminded me that the house was in his name.
I calmly stated that I was aware that the house was in his name. I intended to let him have his house. I also intended to let him have his SUV back (the car I wanted and drove). I would be trading vehicles with him and taking the one with my name on the loan (the one he drove and selected). I just asked that he give me some space and find another place to stay.

Then I went to the computer room and logged back on to SR. Serenity.

Thanks for being here everytime I needed you.