Thanks for the input everyone (and for listening to my craziness).
Today I attended his uncle's funeral...I was actually quite fond of this uncle, when we were having problems and the rest of the family treated me like an outcast, he was always mutual, always willing to listen and talk to me. So I knew I would have to see him. I have had minimal contact with him this week, he did call 2 nights, drunk...and then one day while I was at work. He was very cold to me, I did put my hand on his knee and tell him I was really sorry, but no hug, nothing. When the funeral was over, I left right away. He didn't say one word to me, even when I offered my condolences.
So he called me about 5:30...and it was all about how I hardly acted like I knew him, and how I didn't even go to the cemetary afterwards. Then it turns into how he knows I am "f-ing some other d---" and have been having "another d--- in my mouth". I deny it, but he doesn't believe me. Then he tells me since I've moved on...which is a big fat made up lie...that he is going to move on, too, and find a woman that wants him, that he is going to take a nap then go up to the bar, etc. It hurts me so much that he says that, and hurts me even more to know if he had a chance, he would most certainly go find another woman and be with her intimately. I said well go ahead if that makes you feel better, and he says well when are we gonna get together then? I said when you learn to respect me. I mean I know better than to have a normal conversation with him, it is impossible. He then says to me "I dont' want to fight, I haven't fought with anyone all week until I talk to you". Which is probably true but I don't think he treats anyone like he does me, he puts me on the defense. He tells me how I dont' even care about him losing his uncle, etc.
I know part of this is my fault, for a long time in this relationship, he would pull his disappearing act, go out drinking and/or drugging all weekend, and I would always call and beg him to come home...so I know part of this is anger coming from him because I dont' do that anymore.
I have never gone completely no contact yet, I always want something to hold on to, but days like today just send my mind spinning. I cried and cried tonight, now I have a headache. And now I'm obsessing about him being at the bar (I doubt he even went, because he is crashing). It's like I want to get better, but I have such a hard time just letting go. I even told him it would be nice if he would talk to me and be decent to me, especially after all we've been through in the last 4 1/2 years.
I know he cant' give me anything right now, but why does he always make it out like I am such a bad person, like I don't care about him, I am already with another man, etc? Why can't he just be decent to me????