Feeling feelings
I'm still on my journey to get the heck out of my toxic marriage. I generally think I'm doing great and I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished so far.
What stumps me somedays, like say, last night, are the wild emotions that well up inside me. STBX texts his son (but not me), to tell us that he's going over to his friend's place for a drink after his evening class, and that he won't be coming home. I get what he's doing, intellectually. He's avoiding me. He's running away at his little friend's place. Emotionally though, I'm somewhat disturbed. I feel disappointed. I feel like he's bailing on his family again and it makes me mad. I feel bad for his son who never gets to see him. I feel lonely. And then I feel angry for feeling any of this. I guess I'm starting to equate "getting better" with not having any feelings. I've worked daily to detach from him, his actions, to not react in anger...to not react at all.
I'm wondering if it's alright to feel anything at this point. I've spent so much time in the past raging and crying, begging and threatening, and now it feels like I'd be "giving in" or "reacting" in a very codie way if I let myself feel anything. It's like walking on a tightrope...