hi sodetermined, just wanted to chime in to say your story sounds like something i've posted once. i honesty believe that i was the craziest person on the face of this earth, i allowed my ah to convince me and everyone i knew that i needed to be commited to an asylum. i thank my hp that i stumbled upon this place before that happened.
i agree with the others, if he can blame you for his behavior then he won't have to face himself. none of this is your fault and there is nothing you can "do more of" that will change his behavior or make him stop his behavior. his behavior has nothing at all to do with what you do or don't do.
i had to accept that i couldn't change my ah of 23yrs, and since i needed change, i had to do the changing. for 21yrs i went through exactly what you've described above and it only got worse and worse as time went by. i had to detach from my ah and his behavior in order to regain some kind of sanity and serenity. it time to focus on you and what you need to do to make your life better.
i'm a ra too and in my active addiction i did care about my family but my addiction came first. most addicts get determined to stay in their addictions as long as possible and when one enabler stop enabling/accepting their behavior, then sometimes they will find another enabler. know that regardless of who he is with or where he goes, he takes him and his behavior with him. i know it hurts but i think maybe she is doing you a huge favor.
today i have serious health issues that i've been told stem from my living in addiction for so long but other than that, after nearly 2yrs of me being away from all the drama of his addiction, i have more peace than i ever thought possible. he's still using but that his his life and i choose to stay out of his way and allow him to live it as he see fit.
take care of you, it does get easier as time goes on. i will keep the both of you in my prayers.