cupido

Reading this line put a smile on my face so thank you. I have never thought in terms of my needs even though I regularly question whether I am being selfish; nowadays I do get a hidden sense of achievement when I address my needs first. At the end of the day I have greater chance of success dealing with my own problems than the problems of my mother.

You have probably done the best thing for yourself by leaving the house. I found that back home (maybe calling it home is not the right description), my only purpose was being the care-taker who wasn't allowed to make her own decisions or mistakes for that matter as this would go against the job description.

It has not been long since I moved out and away so I can completely relate to your feelings. It was the easiest and at the same time the hardest thing to do. If I stayed I would be stuck forever.

What intrigues me is that I was always stronger for my mother than I am for myself. I had to deal with so many inappropriate situations but none of that ever scared me and now that I want to take care of myself even my own mind scares me. She is a perfectionist and she has made me into one too. I am used to her pointing out every little mistake that I make. I think this completely related to what you are saying about being told that we are making the right decisions. Because before I was executing her decisions so they were always pre-approved

I have never been able to open up about this before even through times where I was battling depression. Not being in control of your emotions was a sign of weakness for me. Talking about it would just mean accepting defeat. I now want to think of it as I am withdrawing from a battle that is not mine to fight.

I can see that she is replacing me by turning onto abusive friendships and relationships - this is all coming from a woman that kept repeating she did not need anybody. People around her make her feel used and taken advantage of and guess what I start hearing if I just say hello. The typical story would be that I deal with everyone that is making her upset. The funny part is that I would have to fight with my own mother while fighting her battles. I dedicated years of my life to this just to be called ungrateful. I feel like she wants me to make a commitment to her that I am not willing to make. There is no middle way with her, no compromises; she throws a tantrum like a 3 year old if she does not get her way - not even realizing that her words really hurt! I have never ever received an apology from her for anything. Her way of dealing with things is to let it run its course and then act like nothing has ever happened.

As far as contacting her goes, she is not making any attempts to talk to me either -not that she would ever try if I didn't. That does not bother me much, because I don't feel ready to talk to her. Quite frankly, I am fed up of acting upon my common conception that 'no matter what happens, she is my mother'. I want to know that I can break free!!

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C