Thank you for your post. You basically summed up everything that I have been slowly figuring out for the past few weeks.
It's just incredible how guilty and selfish I can feel for trying to protect and support myself. Every little step that I take which brings me closer to true happiness makes me feel like I am abandoning her. It actually hurts me to see the further away I get from her, the happier I am.
I am beginning to see her for who she really is -a very lost soul that has always escaped from the fact that her actions are the ones that shaped her life into what it is now. I used to think that she never got a break and that being alone is the hardest thing anyone has to endure. Now I realize that she just trips over her own traps, not anyone else's.
I guess realizing that you have a bad habit is not the same thing as breaking that habit. I know I need to be patient with myself but my subconscious is putting up one hell of a fight with my logic. I physically feel sick when I think of her and I truly hate that feeling.
The worst part of it all is that I am letting it affect my own family and it scares me that I might in the future use my own kids to self-soothe myself. I realize that I have asked more from my husband for my mother than I would have for myself. However, at the end of the day he is doing it for me!! As understanding as he is, I do not want him to have to lug around my emotional baggage. I want to get better for myself and I want to get better for him. So why do I still feel like I might regret it in the future if I do not try my best to help my mother out?
I haven't had verbal contact with her for a while -have to resist the frequent temptation- but it doesn't mean that I have completely stopped checking up on what she has been up to from indirect methods. Not surprisingly, the more I engage in her life, the more I keep thinking and worrying about her. I am not quite sure if she understands why I am not contacting her but any effort to explain to her would fail so I do not see the point of discussing with her why I am doing what's best for me. Just writing these lines I realize I seek for some kind of closure where someone understands why I have to think of myself first.
Tapping into my emotions is like opening the Pandora's box
I wonder what else is in there.
xx, C